They May Not Mean To, But They Do

Joy Bergman, an elderly New Yorker, navigates life after her husband's death while her adult children Aaron and Molly attempt to manage her independence. At 86, Joy maintains her job at a museum and her Manhattan apartment, even as her children worry about her ability to care for herself. Family dynamics grow complex when Aaron and Molly try to convince Joy to move closer to them or accept more help. Joy's resistance to change and her children's well-meaning interventions create tension that ripples through their relationships. A surprising connection from Joy's past emerges, forcing everyone in the family to reconsider their assumptions about aging and autonomy. The story follows both Joy's perspective and her children's as they each confront their fears about mortality and family responsibility. This novel examines the reversal of parent-child roles and questions society's attitudes toward aging. Through Joy's experiences, it explores the space between independence and isolation, and how families navigate love and control.

Readers find the book provides an honest, often humorous look at aging parents and adult children, though some note it can be uncomfortable to read due to its realism. Readers appreciate: - The accurate portrayal of family dynamics - Sharp observations about aging - Balanced perspective between elderly parent and adult children - Natural dialogue and humor - Relatable situations for those with aging parents Common criticisms: - Slow pacing, especially in middle sections - Too much focus on mundane details - Characters can be frustrating or unlikeable - Depressing subject matter Ratings across platforms: Goodreads: 3.5/5 (2,800+ ratings) Amazon: 3.9/5 (200+ ratings) One reader noted: "Reading this was like watching my own family's struggles play out." Another commented: "The minutiae of daily life became tedious after a while." Several reviewers mentioned connecting deeply with the book while caring for their own elderly parents, while others found it too close to home to enjoy.

The All of It by Jeannette Haien An elderly woman's lifetime of secrets unfolds through conversations with her priest in a small Irish village, exploring family bonds and aging with grace.

Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout The interconnected stories of a retired schoolteacher in Maine illuminate the complexities of family relationships and the realities of growing older.

Our Souls at Night by Kent Haruf Two elderly neighbors forge an unexpected connection in their small Colorado town, challenging their adult children's assumptions about love and independence in later life.

The Last Days of Ptolemy Grey by Walter Mosley A 91-year-old man with dementia receives an experimental treatment that allows him to reclaim his memories and rebuild relationships with his family members.

Emily, Alone by Stewart O'Nan A widow navigates her daily routines, family obligations, and changing world in Pittsburgh while maintaining her independence and dignity.

🔖 Cathleen Schine drew inspiration for the novel's title from Philip Larkin's famous poem "This Be The Verse," which begins "They fuck you up, your mum and dad..." 🔖 The book explores aging and family dynamics through the lens of 86-year-old Joy Bergman, reflecting the real-life experiences many Americans face as the population of those over 85 continues to grow dramatically. 🔖 The author wrote this novel while dealing with her own mother's aging and decline, bringing personal insight to the story's exploration of role reversal between parent and child. 🔖 The book's Manhattan setting draws heavily from the Upper West Side neighborhood where Schine herself has lived, adding authentic detail to Joy's daily life and routines. 🔖 Though tackling serious subjects like dementia and widowhood, the novel maintains Schine's characteristic wit, which earned her the nickname "the modern Jane Austen" from USA Today.