Lysistrata

LysistrataHonestly, if someone had invited them to a Bacchic revel, or to Pan’s shrine, or to Colias or Genetyllis, you couldn’t get through the streets for all the tambourines. But now there isn’t a single woman here. Except, look, here’s my neighbor coming out. Hello, Calonice.note

CaloniceHello to you too, Lysistrata. What’s got you so upset? Don’t scowl, honey. Arching your eyebrows like a bow doesn’t suit you.

LysistrataOh, Calonice, my heart’s on fire. I’m so annoyed on behalf of us women, because the men all think we’re a bunch of wicked schemers—

CaloniceWell, we are, by Zeus!

Lysistrata—and yet when they’re told to meet here to discuss no small matter, they sleep in and don’t show up.

CaloniceOh, darling, they’ll come. It’s hard for a woman to get out of the house. One of us is fussing over her husband, another’s waking up the slave, another’s putting the baby to bed, or bathing it, or feeding it.

LysistrataBut they had other things more important than all that.

CaloniceSo what is it, Lysistrata dear? What on earth are you calling us women together for? What’s the thing? How big is it?

LysistrataBig.

CaloniceThick, too?

LysistrataYes, by Zeus, thick too.

CaloniceThen how come we’re not all coming?

LysistrataIt’s not that kind of thing. If it were, we’d have come fast enough. No, it’s something I’ve worked out myself, tossing it back and forth through many sleepless nights.

CaloniceAfter all that tossing, it must have worn pretty thin.

LysistrataThin, yes, and fine. So fine that the salvation of all Greece lies with the women.

CaloniceWith the women? Then it’s hanging by a thread.

LysistrataBecause the city’s affairs are in our hands: either there’ll be no more Peloponnesians—

CaloniceWell, that’d be best, by Zeus, no more of them.

Lysistrata—and all the Boeotians wiped out—

CaloniceNot all of them, please! Spare the eels.note

LysistrataAs for Athens, I won’t say anything like that. You can fill that in for yourself. But if the women meet here, the ones from Boeotia, the ones from the Peloponnese, and us, together we’ll save Greece.

CaloniceWhat could women ever do that’s sensible or brilliant? We sit around all prettied up, in our saffron gowns and our makeup, our sheer Cimmerian shifts and our fancy slippers.

LysistrataBut those are exactly the things I expect to save us: the little saffron gowns, the perfumes, the slippers, the rouge and the see-through dresses.

CaloniceHow on earth?

LysistrataSo that not one man alive today will raise a spear against another—

CaloniceThen by the Two Goddesses, I’m getting a gown dyed saffron!

Lysistrata—or take up a shield—

CaloniceI’ll put on my Cimmerian shift!

Lysistrata—or even a dagger.

CaloniceI’ll buy some slippers!

LysistrataSo shouldn’t the women be here by now?

CaloniceBy Zeus, they should have come flying here ages ago.

LysistrataWell, my friend, you’ll see: they’re Athenians through and through, doing everything later than they should. There’s not a single woman here from the coast, either, or from Salamis.

CaloniceOh, those ones, I know for a fact, have been riding since dawn, straddling their boats.note

LysistrataAnd the ones I expected and counted on to be here first, the women of Acharnae, haven’t come either.

CaloniceWell, Theogenes’ wife, at least, consulted her Hecate shrine about coming. But look, here are some women coming toward you. And here come some others. Hey, hey! Where are they from?note

LysistrataFrom Anagyrus.

CaloniceBy Zeus, yes. Somebody’s certainly stirred up the stink-bush.note

MyrrhineWe’re not late, are we, Lysistrata? What’s that? Why don’t you say something?

LysistrataI’m not pleased with you, Myrrhine, turning up only now on business this important.

MyrrhineWell, I could hardly find my belt in the dark. But if it’s that urgent, tell those of us who are here.

LysistrataNo, by Zeus, let’s wait just a little while for the women from Boeotia and the Peloponnese to get here.

MyrrhineThat’s a much better idea. And look, here comes Lampito now.

LysistrataLampito, my dearest Spartan, welcome! You look gorgeous, sweetheart! What a complexion, what a firm body! You could strangle a bull.

LampitoI could, I reckon, by the Twin Gods. I train. I jump and kick my heels to my rump.note

CaloniceWhat a fine pair of tits you’ve got!

LampitoYou are feeling me over like a beast for the altar.

LysistrataAnd this other young woman, where’s she from?

LampitoAn envoy, by the Twin Gods. Boeotian. She comes to you.

MyrrhineBoeotian all right, by Zeus, and what lovely lowlands she has.

CaloniceAnd by Zeus, her pennyroyal’s been very stylishly plucked.note

LysistrataAnd the other girl?

LampitoA fine one, by the Twin Gods. Corinthian, this one.

CaloniceFine, by Zeus, you can see that. Here, and here.

LampitoWho called this muster? This army of women?

LysistrataThat’s me.

LampitoSpeak, then. Say what you want of us.

CaloniceYes, by Zeus, dear woman, tell us what this serious business of yours is.

LysistrataI’ll tell you now. But before I do, I want to ask you one small thing.

CaloniceAnything you like.

LysistrataDon’t you miss the fathers of your children, away on campaign? I know very well every one of you has a husband away from home.

CaloniceMine, honey, has been away five months in Thrace, keeping an eye on Eucrates.note

MyrrhineAnd mine’s been seven whole months at Pylos.

LampitoAnd mine, if ever he gets back from his regiment, straps on his shield and he is off. Flown away.

LysistrataAnd there’s not so much as a spark of a lover left. Ever since the Milesians betrayed us, I haven’t even seen a six-inch dildo, which would have been some leather relief for us. So would you be willing, if I found a way, to end the war with me?note

CaloniceBy the Two Goddesses, I would, even if I had to pawn this wrap and drink the money the same day.

MyrrhineAnd so would I, even if I had to slice myself in half like a flatfish and give away half of me.

LampitoAnd I would climb to the top of Taygetus, if I could see peace from there.

LysistrataThen I’ll tell you. There’s no need to keep the plan hidden. Women, if we’re going to force the men to make peace, we have to give up—

CaloniceGive up what? Tell us.

LysistrataWill you do it?

CaloniceWe will, even if we have to die.

CaloniceI won’t do it. Let the war drag on.

MyrrhineNo, by Zeus, I won’t either. Let the war drag on.

LysistrataYou’re saying this, flatfish? Just now you said you’d slice yourself in half.

CaloniceAnything else, anything you like! If I have to, I’m ready to walk through fire. That, sooner than give up cock. There’s nothing like it, Lysistrata dear.

LysistrataAnd you?

Another WomanI’d rather walk through fire too.

LysistrataOh, what an utterly degenerate lot we women are! No wonder they write tragedies about us: all we are is Poseidon and a tub. But you, my dear Spartan, if you alone stand with me, we might still save the situation. Vote with me.note

LampitoIt is hard, by the Twin Gods, for a woman to sleep alone without a hard-on. All the same. We need peace. Badly.

LysistrataOh, you darling, the only real woman of the lot!

CaloniceBut suppose we did keep as far as we could from what you’re talking about, perish the thought: would that make peace any more likely?

LysistrataMuch more, by the Two Goddesses. If we sat around at home all made up, and walked past them in our little Amorgos slips with nothing underneath, our deltas plucked, and the men got hard and were dying to screw, but we didn’t go near them and kept away, they’d make a treaty fast, I’m sure of it.

LampitoMenelaus, anyway. He got a look at Helen’s naked apples and threw his sword away, I reckon.

CaloniceBut what if the men just let us go, my friend?

LysistrataThen it’s what Pherecrates says: skin a skinned dog.note

CaloniceImitations are rubbish. And what if they grab us and drag us into the bedroom by force?

LysistrataHold on to the door.

CaloniceAnd if they beat us?

LysistrataThen you have to give in, but badly. There’s no pleasure in it for them when it’s forced. And you have to make them suffer in other ways too. Don’t worry, they’ll give up soon enough. A man never enjoys himself unless the woman’s in it with him.

CaloniceIf you two think so, we agree too.

LampitoOur own men we will persuade to keep a fair peace, no tricks, in every way. But the Athenian rabble: how could anyone talk them out of their babbling?

LysistrataDon’t worry, we’ll persuade our side for you.

LampitoNot while your triremes have feet and that bottomless money sits with the Goddess.note

LysistrataBut that’s all well arranged too. We’re seizing the Acropolis today. The oldest women have orders to do it: while we’re arranging all this, they’re to pretend they’re sacrificing and take the Acropolis.

LampitoThat would work every way. That is well said too.

LysistrataThen why don’t we swear to all this right away, Lampito, so it can’t be broken?

LampitoOut with the oath, then. We will swear it.

LysistrataWell said. Where’s the Scythian girl? What are you staring at? Put the shield down here in front, face up. And somebody give me the victim’s parts.

CaloniceLysistrata, what oath are you going to make us swear?

LysistrataWhat oath? Over a shield, like they did once in Aeschylus, slaughtering a sheep.note

CaloniceNo, Lysistrata, don’t swear anything about peace over a shield.

LysistrataThen what should the oath be?

CaloniceWhat if we got hold of a white horse somewhere and cut up its parts?

LysistrataA white horse? Come on!

CaloniceWell, how are we going to swear, then?

LysistrataI’ll tell you, by Zeus, if you like. Let’s set a big black cup face up, slaughter a jar of Thasian wine into it, and swear not to pour in any water.note

LampitoOh, that oath! I cannot tell you how much I like it.

LysistrataSomebody bring a cup and a jar out from inside.

MyrrhineMy dear women, what a monster of a pot!

CaloniceGrab hold of that one and you’d be happy right away.

LysistrataSet it down and help me take hold of the boar. Lady Persuasion, and you, Cup of Friendship, accept this sacrifice and be kind to us women.

CaloniceWhat a lovely color the blood is, and how nicely it spurts!

LampitoAnd it smells sweet, by Castor.

MyrrhineWomen, let me be the first to swear.

CaloniceNo, by Aphrodite, not unless you draw the lot.

CaloniceNo man at all, neither lover nor husband—

Lysistrata—shall come near me with a hard-on. Say it.

Calonice—shall come near me with a hard-on. Oh, oh! My knees are giving way, Lysistrata!

LysistrataAt home I’ll pass my days without a bull—

CaloniceAt home I’ll pass my days without a bull—

Lysistrata—in my saffron gown, all made up—

Calonice—in my saffron gown, all made up—

Lysistrata—so my husband will burn for me all the more.

Calonice—so my husband will burn for me all the more.

LysistrataAnd I’ll never willingly give in to my husband.

CaloniceAnd I’ll never willingly give in to my husband.

LysistrataAnd if he forces me against my will—

CaloniceAnd if he forces me against my will—

Lysistrata—I’ll be bad at it and I won’t move with him.

Calonice—I’ll be bad at it and I won’t move with him.

LysistrataI won’t raise my Persian slippers toward the ceiling.

CaloniceI won’t raise my Persian slippers toward the ceiling.

LysistrataI won’t crouch like the lioness on a cheese grater.note

CaloniceI won’t crouch like the lioness on a cheese grater.

LysistrataIf I keep these vows, may I drink from this cup;

CaloniceIf I keep these vows, may I drink from this cup;

Lysistratabut if I break them, may the cup be full of water.

Calonicebut if I break them, may the cup be full of water.

LysistrataDo you all swear to this with her?

MyrrhineBy Zeus, we do.

LysistrataNow then, I’ll consecrate this.

CaloniceJust your share, dear, so we can all be friends with each other from the start.

LampitoWho is raising that cry?

LysistrataThat’s what I was telling you about: the women have already taken the Goddess’s Acropolis. Now, Lampito, you go and get things in order on your side, and leave these women here with us as hostages. And let’s go inside and help the others up in the citadel shoot the bolts.

CaloniceBut don’t you think the men will all come charging at us right away?

LysistrataI don’t much care about them. They won’t come with enough threats or fire to open these gates, except on the terms we’ve set.

CaloniceNo, by Aphrodite, never! Otherwise people would call us women unbeatable pests for nothing.

Chorus of Old MenMove along, Draces, lead on, step by step, even if your shoulder aches from carrying such a heavy load of green olive wood.

Ah, a long life holds plenty of surprises!
Who would ever have expected, Strymodorus, to hear
that the women we’ve been feeding
at home, an obvious plague,
have taken hold of the holy image,
have seized my Acropolis,
and with bars and bolts
are blocking up the gateway?

Let’s hurry up to the citadel as fast as we can, Philurgus, and pile these logs in a ring around them, all the women who started this business and went along with it. Then we’ll build one pyre and burn them all with our own hands, by a single vote, starting with Lycon’s wife.note

By Demeter, while I live they won’t laugh at me!
Not even Cleomenes, who seized it first,
got away unscathed. No,
for all his Spartan bluster
he left, handing over his arms to me,
in a tiny little cloak,
grimy, filthy, unplucked,
six years unwashed.note

That’s how fiercely I besieged that man, sleeping at the gates seventeen shields deep. And these women, hated by Euripides and every god, am I not going to stop them, when I’m right here, from such an outrage? Then let my trophy stand no longer in the Tetrapolis!note

But the only stretch
of road I’ve got left
is this steep slope up to the citadel, where I’m hurrying.
How are we going to haul
this up there without a donkey?
These two logs have rubbed my shoulder raw.
Still, we’ve got to march on
and keep blowing on the fire,
so it doesn’t go out on me before the end of the road.
Phoo! Phoo!
Ugh, ugh, the smoke!

What a terrible thing, Lord Heracles,
comes leaping at me from the pot
and bites my eyes like a rabid dog!
This fire is Lemnian,
every bit of it,
or it would never gnaw my gummy eyes like this.
Hurry on up to the citadel
and help the Goddess.
When will we ever stand by her, Laches, if not now?
Phoo! Phoo!
Ugh, ugh, the smoke!note

This fire’s awake, thank the gods, and alive. So how about this: we put the logs down first, stick the vine-wood torch into the pot, light it, and then charge the door like a battering ram? If the women won’t undo the bolts when we call, we’ll have to set fire to the doors and smoke them out. Let’s put down our load. Phew, the smoke, ugh! Which of the generals at Samos will lend a hand with this wood? Well, at least these have stopped crushing my back.note

Chorus of Old WomenWomen, I think I can see soot and smoke, as if a fire’s burning. We’d better hurry faster.

Fly, fly, Nicodice,
before Calyce
and Critylla are burned up, fanned on every side
by cruel winds
and by deadly old men!
But I’m afraid of this: am I too slow to help?
Just now at dawn I filled my water jar
and barely got it from the fountain, through the crowd and din and clatter
of pots,
jostled by slave women
…
and branded slaves. I snatched it up quickly,
and to the women of my district
who are burning
I’m bringing water to help.

For I heard that doddering old
men were on their way, carrying logs
like men off to heat a bathhouse,
up to the citadel, three talents’ weight,
making the most terrible threats
that these loathsome women must be burned to charcoal.
Goddess, may I never see them burning,
but see them rescue Greece and its
citizens from war and madness:
that’s why, golden-crested
Guardian of the City, they took your seat.
And I call on you as our ally,
Tritogeneia: if any man
sets fire to them,
help us carry water.note

Hold it! What’s this? You men, you rotten, good-for-nothing wretches! No decent, god-fearing men would ever do a thing like this.

Chorus of Old MenHere’s something we didn’t expect to see: a swarm of women out here at the gates, coming to help!

Chorus of Old WomenWhat are you farting with fright at us for? Do we look like a lot of us? You aren’t seeing even a ten-thousandth of us yet.

Chorus of Old MenPhaedrias, are we going to let them run their mouths like this? Shouldn’t someone beat them and break this wood over their heads?

Chorus of Old WomenLet’s put our pitchers down on the ground too, so they won’t get in my way if anyone lays a hand on me.

Chorus of Old MenBy Zeus, if someone had punched them in the jaw two or three times, like Bupalus, they wouldn’t have any voice left.note

Chorus of Old WomenGo on, then, somebody hit me. I’ll stand here and take it. And no other bitch will ever grab you by the balls!

Chorus of Old MenIf you don’t shut up, I’ll beat the old age right out of your hide.

Chorus of Old WomenJust come up and touch Stratyllis with one finger.

Chorus of Old MenAnd what if I pound you with my fists? What terrible thing will you do to me?

Chorus of Old WomenI’ll bite out your lungs and rip out your guts.

Chorus of Old MenThere’s no poet wiser than Euripides: no creature on earth is as shameless as women.

Chorus of Old WomenLet’s pick up our water jars, Rhodippe.

Chorus of Old MenWhy did you come here with water, you god-forsaken woman?

Chorus of Old WomenAnd why have you got fire, you walking tomb? To cremate yourself?

Chorus of Old MenSo I can build a pyre and burn your friends.

Chorus of Old WomenAnd I’m here so I can put out your pyre with this.

Chorus of Old MenYou’ll put out my fire?

Chorus of Old WomenYou’ll see soon enough.

Chorus of Old MenI’ve half a mind to roast you with this torch, right here.

Chorus of Old WomenIf you happen to have soap, I’ll give you a bath.

Chorus of Old MenA bath? From you, you rotten old bag?

Chorus of Old WomenYes, and a bridal one at that.

Chorus of Old MenDid you hear the nerve of her?

Chorus of Old WomenI’m a free woman.

Chorus of Old MenI’ll put a stop to your shouting.

Chorus of Old WomenYou’re not on jury duty now.note

Chorus of Old MenSet her hair on fire!

Chorus of Old WomenYour turn, Achelous!note

Chorus of Old MenOw, poor me!

Chorus of Old WomenToo hot?

Chorus of Old MenHot? Will you stop it? What are you doing?

Chorus of Old WomenWatering you, so you’ll grow.

Chorus of Old MenBut I’m withered already, and shivering!

Chorus of Old WomenWell, you’ve got fire, haven’t you? Warm yourself up.

MagistrateSo the women’s wild ways have flared up again, have they? Their drumming, their endless cries to Sabazius, and this Adonis-wailing up on the rooftops that I heard once in the Assembly? Demostratus, damn him, was saying we should sail to Sicily, and his wife, dancing, cried, “Alas for Adonis!” Demostratus was saying we should enlist hoplites from Zacynthus, and the wife, a bit tipsy up on the roof, cried, “Beat your breasts for Adonis!” But he forced it through, that god-forsaken scumbag Bile-Yoker. That’s the kind of debauched songs you get from them.note

Chorus of Old MenThen what if you heard how these ones have outraged us? On top of everything else, they’ve given us a bath out of their pitchers, so now we can wring out our cloaks like we’d pissed ourselves.

MagistrateBy salty Poseidon, serves you right. When we men join in the women’s wickedness ourselves and teach them to be self-indulgent, these are the plans that sprout from them. We go into the craftsmen’s shops and say things like this: “Goldsmith, about that necklace you fixed: last night, while my wife was dancing, the pin slipped out of its hole. Now I’ve got to sail over to Salamis. But if you have time, do come by this evening and do your very best to fit her pin back in.”

LysistrataDon’t pry anything. I’m coming out of my own accord. What do you need crowbars for? It isn’t crowbars that are needed, it’s brains and sense.

MagistrateOh, really, you foul creature? Where’s the archer? Grab her and tie her hands behind her back.note

LysistrataBy Artemis, if he lays so much as a fingertip on me, public slave that he is, he’ll be howling.

MagistrateScared, are you? Grab her around the waist, and you help him, and the two of you tie her up, fast.

First WomanBy Pandrosos, if you so much as lay a hand on her, you’ll get stomped till you shit yourself.note

MagistrateListen to that, “shit yourself”! Where’s another archer? Tie that one up first, since she’s got a mouth on her too.

Second WomanBy the Light-Bringer, if you lay a fingertip on her, you’ll soon be begging for a cup to hold on your black eye.

MagistrateWhat’s this? Where’s an archer? Hold on to that one. I’ll put a stop to at least one of you coming out.

Third WomanBy Artemis of the Bulls, if you go near her, I’ll tear your hair out till you wail and moan.

MagistrateOh, damn my luck! The archers have run out on me. But we must never be beaten by women. Form up, Scythians, and let’s charge them together.

LysistrataBy the Two Goddesses, then you’ll find out we’ve got four companies of fighting women inside too, fully armed.

MagistrateTwist their arms back, Scythians!

LysistrataAllied women, come running out! You seed-and-porridge-and-veggie-market-women! You garlic-and-guesthouse-and-bread-stall-women! Drag them, hit them, smash them! Curse them, show them no shame! Stop! Fall back! No stripping the bodies!

MagistrateUgh, what a beating my archers have taken!

LysistrataWell, what did you expect? Did you think you were up against some slave girls? Or don’t you think women have any spirit in them?

MagistrateBy Apollo, plenty, as long as there’s a tavern nearby.

Chorus of Old MenMagistrate of this land, you’ve wasted plenty of words already. Why are you getting into a discussion with these beasts? Don’t you know what kind of bath they just gave us, clothes and all, and without any soap at that?

Chorus of Old WomenLook, mister, you shouldn’t go laying hands on your neighbors just like that. If you do, you’re bound to end up with a black eye. Because I’d much rather sit here demurely like a young girl, bothering nobody, not moving so much as a twig, unless somebody goes poking at me like a wasps’ nest and riles me up.

Chorus of Old MenZeus, what on earth are we going to do with these monsters?
This is past all bearing! No, you and I
must get to the bottom of this business:
what on earth they wanted
when they seized Cranaa, and why
they took the great rock, the untrodden Acropolis,
the holy precinct.note

Question them, don’t be taken in, put them through every test there is. It would be a disgrace to let a business like this slip past untested.

MagistrateWell, by Zeus, the first thing I want to find out from them is this: what did you mean by barring our city up with bolts?

LysistrataTo keep the money safe, so you won’t be fighting a war because of it.

MagistrateSo we’re fighting a war because of the money?

LysistrataYes, and that’s what stirred up everything else too. Peisander and the men who are after public office were always stirring up some commotion so they’d have the chance to steal. Well, let them do whatever they like for that reason: they’ll never get their hands on this money again.note

MagistrateBut what will you do?

LysistrataYou’re asking me that? We’ll manage it ourselves.

MagistrateYou’ll manage the money?

LysistrataWhat’s so shocking about that? Don’t we manage all the household money for you already?

MagistrateBut that’s not the same.

LysistrataHow is it not the same?

MagistrateThis is the money we have to fight the war with.

LysistrataBut there’s no need to fight a war in the first place.

MagistrateThen how else are we going to be saved?

LysistrataWe’ll save you.

MagistrateYou?

LysistrataYes, us.

MagistrateOutrageous!

LysistrataYou’ll be saved whether you like it or not.

MagistrateThat’s a monstrous thing to say!

LysistrataYou’re upset. But it has to be done all the same.

MagistrateBy Demeter, it isn’t right!

LysistrataYou must be saved, my friend.

MagistrateEven if I don’t want it?

LysistrataAll the more for that very reason.

MagistrateAnd since when have you cared about war and peace?

LysistrataWe’ll tell you.

MagistrateThen tell me fast, or you’ll be sorry.

LysistrataListen, then, and try to keep your hands to yourself.

MagistrateBut I can’t. I’m so angry it’s hard to hold them back.

First WomanThen you’ll be a lot sorrier.

MagistrateCroak that curse on yourself, you old hag! You, talk to me.

LysistrataI’ll do that. Through the earlier war, for a long time, we put up with whatever you men did, because we knew how to behave. You wouldn’t let us make a peep. Not that you pleased us. But we kept a close eye on you, and often, at home, we’d hear that you’d made a bad decision on some big issue. Then, aching inside, we’d put on a smile and ask you, “What did you decide in the Assembly today about adding a clause to the treaty on the stone?” “What business is that of yours?” my husband would say. “Won’t you shut up?” And I’d shut up.note

First WomanWell, I’d never have shut up.

MagistrateAnd you’d have been howling if you hadn’t.

LysistrataSo I kept quiet at home. … Then we’d hear about some decision of yours that was even worse, and we’d ask, “Husband, how can you be handling this so stupidly?” And he’d glare at me straight off and tell me that if I didn’t spin my thread my head would be howling for a long time: “War shall be the business of men.”note

MagistrateAnd he was right to say so, by Zeus.

LysistrataHow was he right, you wretch, if we weren’t even allowed to give you advice when you were making bad decisions? But when we started hearing you say out loud in the streets, “Isn’t there a man left in the country?” and somebody else answering, “No, by Zeus, there isn’t,” right after that we decided that the women should get together and save Greece together. Why should we have waited any longer? So if you’re willing to listen to us in turn when we give good advice, and to keep quiet in turn as we did, we could set you straight.

MagistrateYou set us straight? That’s a monstrous thing to say, and I won’t stand for it.

LysistrataQuiet.

MagistrateMe, keep quiet for you, damn you, and you with a veil on your head? I’d sooner die.

Chorus of Old WomenUp, women, away from your water jars, so that we can do our part in turn and lend our friends a hand.

Me, I’d never tire of dancing,
nor would aching weariness ever grip my knees.
I’m ready to go to any lengths
with these women, for their excellence:
they have spirit, they have charm, they have daring,
they have wisdom, they have a patriot’s
sensible excellence.

Come on, you daughters of the manliest grannies and of stinging-nettle mothers, charge in fury and don’t go soft: the wind’s still at your backs.

LysistrataWell, if sweet-souled Eros and Cyprus-born Aphrodite breathe desire down over our breasts and thighs, and then fill the men with a delicious stiffness and hard-ons like clubs, I think someday the Greeks will call us Lysimaches, the Battle-Breakers.note

MagistrateBy doing what?

LysistrataFirst of all, by stopping men from shopping in the market in full armor and acting like lunatics.

First WomanYes, by Aphrodite of Paphos!

LysistrataRight now, you see, they’re going around the market among the pots and the vegetables alike, in full armor, like Corybants.note

MagistrateYes, by Zeus, that’s what real men have to do.

LysistrataAnd it really is a ridiculous sight, when a man with a shield with a Gorgon on it goes and buys sardines.

First WomanBy Zeus, I saw it myself: a long-haired cavalry commander on horseback, getting an old woman to pour him pea soup into his bronze helmet. And there was another one, a Thracian, shaking his shield and javelin like Tereus, who scared the fig-seller woman out of her wits and gobbled up her ripe olives.note

MagistrateSo how can you women stop all the tangled affairs of the different states and sort them out?

LysistrataVery easily.

MagistrateHow? Show me.

MagistrateYou think you’ll stop terrible affairs with wool and skeins and spindles, you idiots?

LysistrataYes, and if you had any sense, you’d run all your politics the way we work our wool.

MagistrateHow so? Let’s see.

LysistrataFirst, just as with a raw fleece, you’d have to wash out the sheep dung in a bath; then lay the city on a bed and beat the scoundrels out of it with sticks, and pick out the burrs. As for the ones who clump together and mat themselves into knots to get public offices, you’d card them apart and pluck off their heads. Then card the common goodwill into a basket, mixing everyone in: the resident aliens, any foreigner who’s a friend of yours, and anyone who owes money to the treasury, mix them in too. And, by Zeus, the cities that are colonies of this land:note

MagistrateIsn’t it outrageous that these women should be beating and winding all this up, when they’ve had nothing whatever to do with the war?

LysistrataOh, but we have, you damned wretch! We bear more than twice our share of it. First of all, we give birth to sons and send them off to serve as soldiers.

MagistrateQuiet, don’t bring up old wrongs.

LysistrataThen, when we ought to be having fun and enjoying our youth, we sleep alone because of the campaigns. And never mind us: it’s the girls growing old in their bedrooms that I grieve for.

MagistrateBut don’t men grow old too?

LysistrataBy Zeus, what you’re talking about isn’t the same thing at all. When a man comes home, even if he’s gray, he’s quickly married a young girl. But a woman’s season is short, and if she doesn’t seize it, nobody wants to marry her, and she sits there looking for omens.

MagistrateBut any man who can still get it up—

LysistrataAnd you, what’s got into you that you don’t just die? There’s a plot for you. You’ll buy a coffin. I’ll knead you a honey cake right now. Take these and put on a garland.note

First WomanAnd take these from me.

Second WomanAnd take this wreath.

LysistrataWhat do you need? What are you missing? Get on the boat: Charon’s calling you, and you’re keeping him from casting off.

MagistrateIsn’t it outrageous that I should be treated like this? By Zeus, I’m going straight to the other Magistrates to show myself to them just the way I am.

LysistrataYou’re not complaining that we didn’t lay you out properly, are you? Well, on the third day, first thing in the morning, you’ll get your third-day offerings from us, all ready.note

Chorus of Old MenNo more dozing on the job for any man who’s free!
Let’s strip for action, men, and take this business on.
Because it seems to me this thing already reeks
of more and bigger

business still,
and above all I catch the smell of Hippias’ tyranny.
And I’m very much afraid that some Spartan men
have got together here at Cleisthenes’ house
and are craftily egging on these god-hated women
to seize our funds and the jury pay
I’ve been living on.note

It’s an outrage that these women are already lecturing the citizens, women that they are, and babbling about bronze shields, and trying to reconcile us with the Spartans, men you can trust about as far as a wolf with its jaws open. No, it’s men who have woven this plot against us, aiming at tyranny. Well, they won’t play tyrant over me: I’ll be on my guard, and from now on I’ll “carry my sword in a myrtle branch,” and I’ll do my shopping under arms right next to Aristogeiton, standing beside him like this. Because now’s my chance to smack this god-hated old hag in the jaw.note

Chorus of Old WomenThen your own mother won’t recognize you when you come home!
Come, my dear old friends, let’s put these down on the ground first.
Because, citizens, all of you, we’re starting a speech
that will be useful to the city,
and rightly, since it raised me in splendid luxury.
As soon as I was seven, I carried the sacred things;
then at ten I ground grain for the Foundress;
then, in my saffron robe, I was a bear at Brauron;
and once, as a pretty girl, I carried the basket
wearing a string of dried figs.note

So don’t I owe the city some useful advice? Even if I was born a woman, don’t hold it against me, if I can contribute something better than what we’ve got now. I have a stake in the common fund: I contribute men. You miserable old men have no stake in it, because you squandered the fund they call Grandpa’s, the one from the Persian Wars, and then never paid anything back in. On top of that, now we’re in danger of being ruined by you. Have you got anything to grunt about? If you give me any trouble, I’ll smack you in the jaw with this rawhide boot.note

Chorus of Old MenIsn’t all this a whole lot
of insolence? And I think the thing will only get worse.
Every man with balls has to fight this off.
Come on, let’s strip off our tunics: a man should
smell like a man right from the start, not go about wrapped up like a stuffed vine leaf.
Come on, you White-feet, who marched on Leipsydrion back when we were still something,
now, now we have to be young again, and sprout wings
all over our bodies, and shake off this old age.note

Because if any of us gives these women even the slightest handhold, there’s no end to the busy handiwork they’ll get up to. They’ll even build ships, and try to fight sea battles and sail against us, like Artemisia. And if they turn to riding, I can strike our cavalry off the rolls: there’s nothing better at riding than a woman, she has a fine seat, and she won’t slip off at a gallop. Just look at the Amazons Micon painted on horseback, fighting the men. No, we ought to grab every one of them by the neck, like this, and fit her into the stocks.note

Chorus of Old WomenBy the Two Goddesses, if you fire me up,
I’ll turn my own sow loose, I will, and today
I’ll give you such a combing you’ll be screaming for the neighbors.
Come on, women, let’s strip off quickly too,
so we can smell like women mad enough to bite.
Now let somebody come at me, and he’ll never eat garlic again,
or black beans.
If you so much as say a nasty word (I’m boiling over),
I’ll be the beetle that midwifes your eagle’s egg.note

I wouldn’t give a thought to you, as long as I have Lampito, and my dear friend Ismenia, that fine Theban girl. You’ll have no power, not even if you pass your decrees seven times over, you wretch, hated by everyone, neighbors included. Why, just yesterday, when I was throwing a party for the children in honor of Hecate, I invited their playmate from next door, a fine, lovely girl from Boeotia: an eel. But they said they couldn’t send her, because of your decrees. And you’ll never stop passing these decrees of yours until somebody grabs you by the leg, carries you off and breaks your neck.note

Commander of this enterprise and this design, why have you come out of the house with such a gloomy face?

LysistrataThe deeds of wicked women and the female heart make me pace up and down in despair.

Chorus of Old WomenWhat are you saying? What are you saying?

LysistrataThe truth, the truth.

Chorus of Old WomenWhat’s so terrible? Tell your friends.

LysistrataIt’s shameful to say, and hard to keep silent.

Chorus of Old WomenThen don’t hide from me whatever trouble we’re in.

Chorus of Old WomenOh, Zeus!

LysistrataWhy call on Zeus? Anyway, that’s how things stand. I can’t keep them away from their husbands any longer: they keep running off. The first one I caught widening the hole by Pan’s grotto; another one shinnying down a pulley rope; another one deserting; and another, yesterday, all set to fly down to Orsilochus’ place on a sparrow, I dragged back by the hair. They come up with every excuse to go home. Look, here comes one of them now. You there, where are you running?note

First WomanI want to go home. I’ve got Milesian wool at home, and the moths are chewing it to pieces.

LysistrataWhat moths? Get back here!

First WomanBut I’ll come right back, by the Two Goddesses, just as soon as I’ve spread it out on the bed.

LysistrataDon’t spread anything, and don’t go off anywhere.

First WomanSo I should just let my wool be ruined?

LysistrataIf that’s what it takes.

Second WomanOh, poor me, poor me, my flax from Amorgos! I’ve left it at home unstripped.note

LysistrataHere’s the next one heading out to her unstripped flax. Come back here.

Second WomanBut by the Light-Bringer, I’ll just strip it and come straight back up.

LysistrataDon’t you strip anything! If you start this, another woman will want to do the same.

Third WomanLady Eileithyia, hold off the birth until I can get to a place that isn’t holy!note

LysistrataWhat’s this nonsense?

Third WomanI’m going to give birth any minute!

LysistrataBut you weren’t pregnant yesterday.

Third WomanWell, I am today. Please, Lysistrata, send me home to the midwife, as fast as you can.

LysistrataWhat are you talking about? What’s this hard thing you’ve got?

Third WomanA baby boy.

LysistrataBy Aphrodite, not you! It looks like you’ve got some bronze thing in there, hollow. I’ll find out. You ridiculous woman, you’ve got the sacred helmet, and you told me you were carrying?note

Third WomanAnd I am pregnant, by Zeus!

LysistrataThen what were you doing with this?

Third WomanSo that if labor caught me while I was still on the Acropolis, I could climb into this helmet and have the baby in it, the way pigeons do.

LysistrataWhat are you saying? You’re making excuses; it’s perfectly obvious. Won’t you stay right here for the helmet’s naming day?note

Third WomanBut I can’t even sleep on the Acropolis anymore, not since the time I saw the guardian snake.note

First WomanAnd I’m dying, poor me, from lack of sleep, with the owls forever hooting.

LysistrataYou crazy women, stop these tall tales. Maybe you miss your husbands. Don’t you think they miss us? They’re having miserable nights, I know it for sure. But hold out, my good friends, and put up with it a little longer. There’s an oracle that we’ll win, as long as we don’t fall out among ourselves. Here’s the oracle.

First WomanTell us what it says.

LysistrataQuiet, then. “But when the swallows huddle together in one place, fleeing the hoopoes, and keep away from the cocks, there shall be an end of troubles, and what is above shall be put below by Zeus who thunders on high—”

First WomanAre we going to be lying on top?

Lysistrata“But if the swallows quarrel and fly away on their wings out of the holy temple, no bird at all shall ever again be thought more degenerate.”

First WomanBy Zeus, that’s a clear oracle.

LysistrataBy all the gods, let’s not give up because we’re suffering. Let’s go inside. It would be a disgrace, my dearest friends, to betray this oracle.

Chorus of Old MenI want to tell you a story
that I heard once,
when I was still a boy.
There was once a young man called Melanion,
who ran away from marriage into the wilderness
and lived in the mountains.
And he hunted hares
with nets he wove himself,
and he had a dog,
and never came back home again, he hated it so much.
That’s how much he loathed women,
and we loathe them just as much
as Melanion did, we sensible men.note

Old ManOld woman, I want to kiss you—

WomanThen you won’t need an onion to make you cry.

Old Man—and lift my leg and kick you.

WomanThat’s a thick bush you’ve got there.

Chorus of Old MenWell, Myronides too was
rough down there, and black-assed
to all his enemies,
and so was Phormio.note

Chorus of Old WomenI want to tell you a story too,
to answer your Melanion.
There was a certain Timon, a restless drifter,
his face fenced in with thorns no one could get through,
an offshoot of the Furies.
Well, this Timon
…
went away out of hatred,
heaping curses on wicked men.
That’s how he hated you in return,
you wicked men, forever,
but to women he was the dearest of friends.note

WomanWant me to smack you in the jaw?

Old ManNo way! I’m terrified.

WomanThen shall I give you a kick?

Old ManYou’ll flash your man-sack.

Chorus of Old WomenBut all the same you wouldn’t see it,
old woman though I am,
all shaggy: no, it’s been singed bare
with the lamp.note

LysistrataHey! Hey! Women, come over here to me, quick!

WomanWhat is it? Tell me, what’s all the shouting about?

WomanWhere is he, whoever he is?

LysistrataOver by the shrine of Chloe.note

WomanOh, by Zeus, there he is! Who on earth is he?

LysistrataTake a look. Does any of you know him?

MyrrhineBy Zeus, I do. It’s my husband, Cinesias.note

LysistrataThen it’s your job now to roast him and turn him on the spit, lead him on, love him and not love him, and give him everything except what the cup knows about.note

MyrrhineDon’t worry, I’ll do it.

LysistrataAnd I’ll stay right here and help you lead him on, and help you roast him. Now, the rest of you, off you go.

CinesiasOh, I’m miserable! These spasms have got hold of me, and this stiffness, like I’m being twisted on the rack.

LysistrataWho’s that standing inside the guard line?

CinesiasMe.

LysistrataA man?

CinesiasVery much a man.

LysistrataThen get out of the way!

CinesiasAnd who are you, to throw me out?

LysistrataThe day watch.

CinesiasFor the gods’ sake, then, call Myrrhine out here for me.

LysistrataOh, so I’m to call Myrrhine for you? And who are you?

CinesiasHer husband, Cinesias, from Paeonidae.note

LysistrataOh, hello, darling! Your name’s famous around here, believe me, everybody knows it. Your name’s always on your wife’s lips. If she picks up an egg or an apple, she says, “This one’s for Cinesias.”

CinesiasOh, by the gods!

LysistrataYes, by Aphrodite. And if the talk ever turns to men, your wife says right away that the rest are rubbish next to Cinesias.

CinesiasGo on, then, call her.

LysistrataAnd what’s in it for me? Will you give me something?

CinesiasI will, by Zeus, if you want it. I’ve got this here. Whatever I’ve got, it’s yours.

LysistrataAll right, I’ll go down and call her for you.

CinesiasQuick, then, really quick! Because I’ve had no joy in life since she walked out of the house. I hate going home, everything there seems empty, and I get no pleasure out of my food when I eat. I’ve got a hard-on, you see.

MyrrhineI love him, I love him! But he doesn’t want my love. Don’t call me out to him.

CinesiasMyrrhine, my sweetest little Myrrhinikins, why are you doing this? Come down here.

MyrrhineNo, by Zeus, I’m not coming down there.

CinesiasI’m calling you, and you won’t come down, Myrrhine?

MyrrhineYou’re calling me out, but you don’t need anything.

CinesiasMe, not need anything? I’m being ground to pieces!

MyrrhineI’m leaving.

CinesiasNo, don’t! At least listen to the baby. You there, won’t you call your mommy?

BabyMommy, mommy, mommy!

CinesiasWhat’s wrong with you? Don’t you even feel sorry for the baby? Six days now, no bath, no breast.

MyrrhineOf course I feel sorry for him. But his father doesn’t care about him.

CinesiasCome down, you crazy woman, for the baby’s sake.

MyrrhineOh, what it is to be a mother! I’ll have to go down. What else can I do?

CinesiasShe looks so much younger to me, and her eyes look softer. And the way she’s difficult with me and plays proud, that’s exactly what’s grinding me down with desire.

MyrrhineYou sweetest little baby, with such a bad father, come here, let Mommy kiss you, sweetest.

CinesiasWhy are you doing this, you wicked woman, listening to the other women? You’re making me miserable, and you’re hurting yourself too.

MyrrhineKeep your hands off me.

CinesiasAnd our things at home, yours and mine, you’re letting them go to ruin.

MyrrhineI don’t much care about them.

CinesiasYou don’t much care that the chickens are making off with your weaving?

MyrrhineNot much, by Zeus.

CinesiasAnd Aphrodite’s rites have gone uncelebrated by you all this time. Won’t you come back home?

MyrrhineNo, by Zeus, I won’t, not unless you men make peace and stop the war.

CinesiasWell, then, if that’s what’s decided, we’ll do that too.

MyrrhineWell, then, if that’s what’s decided, I’ll come back home too. For now I’ve sworn not to.

CinesiasThen at least lie down with me. It’s been so long.

MyrrhineNo. And yet I won’t tell you I don’t love you.

CinesiasYou love me? Then why won’t you lie down, Myrrhy?

MyrrhineYou ridiculous man, in front of the baby?

CinesiasNo, by Zeus, not that. Manes, take this one home. There you go, the baby’s out of the way. And you still won’t lie down.

MyrrhineBut where, poor me, could anyone do it?

CinesiasWhere? Pan’s grotto. Perfect.

MyrrhineAnd how could I go back up to the Acropolis pure?

CinesiasEasiest thing in the world: wash in the Clepsydra spring.

MyrrhineAnd then, poor me, I’d be breaking the oath I swore?

CinesiasLet that fall on my head. Don’t you worry about the oath.

MyrrhineAll right, let me fetch us a little bed.

CinesiasNo need. The ground’s good enough for us.

MyrrhineBy Apollo, I’m not laying you down on the ground, not even you, the way you are.

CinesiasMy wife loves me, that’s plain as day.

MyrrhineThere, lie down, will you, and I’ll get undressed. Oh, what’s-it, I have to bring out a mat.

CinesiasWhat mat? Not for me!

MyrrhineYes, by Artemis. It’s disgraceful on the bare straps.

CinesiasThen give me a kiss.

MyrrhineThere.

CinesiasOooh! Hurry back, really fast!

MyrrhineHere’s the mat. Lie down, I’m getting undressed. Oh, what’s-it, you haven’t got a pillow.

CinesiasBut I don’t even want one!

MyrrhineWell, by Zeus, I do.

CinesiasThis dick of mine is getting the Heracles treatment at dinner.note

MyrrhineUp you get, jump up.

CinesiasNow I’ve got everything.

MyrrhineAbsolutely everything.

CinesiasCome here, then, my treasure.

MyrrhineI’m undoing my breastband now. Remember: don’t you cheat me over the peace.

CinesiasBy Zeus, may I drop dead if I do.

MyrrhineYou haven’t got a blanket.

CinesiasNo, by Zeus, and I don’t want one. I want to fuck!

MyrrhineDon’t worry, you will. I’ll be right back.

CinesiasThis woman’s going to kill me with her bedding.

MyrrhineLift yourself up.

CinesiasOh, this is up already.

MyrrhineDo you want me to put some perfume on you?

CinesiasBy Apollo, not on me!

MyrrhineYes, by Aphrodite, whether you like it or not.

CinesiasLord Zeus, let the perfume spill!

MyrrhineHold out your hand, then, take some and rub it on.

CinesiasBy Apollo, this perfume’s not nice at all. All it’s good for is stalling, and it doesn’t smell of the marriage bed.

MyrrhineOh dear, I brought the Rhodian perfume!

CinesiasIt’s fine! Leave it, you crazy woman.

MyrrhineDon’t talk nonsense.

CinesiasDamn the man who first cooked up perfume!

MyrrhineTake this flask.

CinesiasI’ve got another one right here. Just lie down, you awful woman, and don’t bring me anything more.

MyrrhineI’ll do that, by Artemis. There, I’m taking off my shoes. But, darling, make sure you vote for a peace treaty.

CinesiasI’ll think about it. The woman’s ruined me, wrecked me, and on top of everything else she’s skinned me raw and gone off!

Oh no, what will I do? Who can I fuck,
now the loveliest of them all has cheated me?
How will I raise this little one?
Where’s Foxdog?
Hire me a wet nurse!note

Chorus of Old MenYou’re in terrible trouble, you poor wretch,
tormented in your soul, deceived.
I pity you too, alas!
What kidneys could hold out,
what soul, what balls,
what loins, what ass,
stretched to the limit
with no fucking in the mornings?

CinesiasZeus, these terrible cramps!

Chorus of Old MenThat’s what she’s done to you now,
that utterly loathsome, utterly disgusting woman.

CinesiasNo, by Zeus, she’s dear and utterly sweet.

Chorus of Old MenSweet? She’s vile, vile!

CinesiasYes, vile she is, Zeus, Zeus!
If only you’d take her like a heap of grain
in a great whirlwind and hurricane,
twist her round and roll her up,
carry her off, then let her drop,
and down she’d come to earth again,
and suddenly
land right astride my hard-on!

Spartan HeraldWhere is the Athenians’ council of elders? Or the Prytanes? I have news to tell.note

CinesiasAnd what are you, a human being or a Conisalus?note

Spartan HeraldI am a herald, young man, by the Twin Gods. I come from Sparta about a peace.

CinesiasSo that’s why you’ve come with a spear tucked under your arm?

Spartan HeraldNo, by Zeus. Not me.

CinesiasWhy are you turning away? Why are you holding your cloak out in front? Did you get a swollen groin from the journey?

Spartan HeraldThe man’s gone senile, by Castor.

CinesiasBut you’ve got a hard-on, you scoundrel!

Spartan HeraldNo, by Zeus. Not me. Stop your babbling.

CinesiasThen what’s this you’ve got?

Spartan HeraldA Spartan message-staff.note

CinesiasSure, if this here is a Spartan message-staff too. But tell me the truth, I know what’s what. How are things with you people in Sparta?

Spartan HeraldAll Sparta stands up stiff, and the allies, every one, have hard-ons. We need Pellene.note

CinesiasAnd where did this curse come down on you from? From Pan?

Spartan HeraldNo. Lampito started it, I reckon. Then the rest of the women all over Sparta, all together, as if from one starting gate, drove their husbands away from their pussies.

CinesiasSo how are you holding up?

Spartan HeraldBadly. We walk bent double through the city, like men carrying lamps. The women won’t let us touch so much as their myrtle till we all, with one voice, make a peace treaty for Greece.

CinesiasThe women have hatched this conspiracy everywhere, I see that now. Well, as fast as you can, tell them back home to send ambassadors here with full powers to make peace. And I’ll tell the Council here to choose ambassadors of our own. I’ll show them this cock of mine.

Spartan HeraldI fly. Your words are best in every way.

Chorus of Old MenThere’s no beast harder to fight than a woman, no, not fire either. No leopard is so shameless.

Chorus of Old WomenYou understand that, and still you go to war with me, you rogue, when you could have me as a friend you can count on?

Chorus of Old MenLet me tell you, I will never stop hating women.

Chorus of Old WomenWhenever you like, then. But for now I won’t let you stand there naked like that. I can see what a laughingstock you are. Here, I’ll come over and put your tunic on you.

Chorus of Old MenWell, by Zeus, that’s no bad thing you’ve done. It was a bad temper that made me strip it off back then.

Chorus of Old WomenFor one thing, now you look like a man, and for another, you’re no longer a laughingstock. And if you hadn’t been so nasty to me, I’d have taken hold of this little beast that’s in your eye right now and pulled it out.

Chorus of Old MenSo that’s what’s been grinding me down! Here’s my ring. Dig it out, take it out and show it to me. By Zeus, it’s been biting my eye for ages.

Chorus of Old WomenAll right, I’ll do it, even though you were born a crabby old man. Zeus! What a monster of a gnat you’ve got in there! Do you see it? Isn’t this a gnat from Tricorythus?note

Chorus of Old MenBy Zeus, you’ve done me a favor! It’s been digging wells in me for ages. Now it’s out, the tears are just pouring down.

Chorus of Old WomenI’ll wipe you dry, even though you’re a thorough rogue, and give you a kiss.

Chorus of Old MenDon’t kiss me!

Chorus of Old WomenWhether you like it or not.

Chorus of Old MenDamn you all! You’re born flatterers. That old saying gets it exactly right: “Can’t live with the pests, can’t live without the pests.” But now I’m making a truce with you, and from here on I won’t do you any harm and won’t take any from you either. Come on, let’s form up together and start our song.

ChorusWe’re not getting ready, gentlemen,
to say anything bad
about a single citizen, not one thing.
Quite the opposite: we’ll say and do only good,
since the troubles we have already are plenty.
So let every man and woman tell us
if anyone needs a little cash,
two minas, say, or three:
we’ve got plenty at home,
and we’ve got purses.
And if peace ever comes,
whoever borrows from us now
won’t have to pay back
what he got.

We’re about to entertain some guests
from Carystus,
fine, upstanding gentlemen.
There’s still some soup, and I had a little pig,
and I’ve sacrificed it, so you’ll eat meat that’s tender and good.
So come to my place today, but early,
once you’ve had your baths,
you and your children; then walk right in,
don’t ask anybody,
just march straight ahead
as if you were going home,
bold as you please, because
the door will be locked.note

And look, here come the envoys from Sparta, trailing their beards, with what looks like a pig crate strapped around their thighs.note

Men of Sparta, first of all, welcome. Then tell us how you’re doing, coming here.

SpartanWhy waste many words on you? You can see how we are doing.

ChorusWhoa! This calamity is stretched terribly tight. It looks like the inflammation is getting worse.

SpartanPast words. What can a man say? Let somebody come, any way he likes, and make peace for us.

ChorusAnd look, I see our own native sons too, holding their cloaks out from their bellies like wrestlers. So this disease looks like some kind of athlete’s complaint.

AthenianWho can tell us where Lysistrata is? Because we men here are… well, like this.

ChorusThis one’s singing in harmony with that one’s disease. Do you get a cramp around dawn?

AthenianNo, by Zeus, it’s this, doing this, that’s wrecked us. If somebody doesn’t reconcile us quick, there’s no way around it: we’ll be fucking Cleisthenes.

ChorusIf you’ve got any sense, you’ll put your cloaks back on, so none of the Herm-choppers sees you.note

AthenianBy Zeus, that’s a good point.

SpartanBy the Twin Gods, every way. Come, let us put our clothes on.

AthenianHello there, Spartans! We’ve been through something shameful.

SpartanPolycharidas, my friend, it would have gone hard with us again if those men had seen us all exposed.

AthenianCome on, Spartans, we need to go through it all point by point. What have you come here for?

SpartanAs envoys, about peace.

AthenianWell said. Same with us. Then why don’t we call Lysistrata? She’s the only one who could reconcile us.

SpartanBy the Twin Gods, yes. And Lysistratus too, if you like.note

AthenianBut it looks like we don’t need to call her. She heard us, and here she is coming out herself.

ChorusHail, manliest of all women! Now you have to be fierce and soft, high and low, stern and gentle, and wise in every way. Because the leading men of Greece, caught by your charm, have given way to you and handed all their grievances over to you together.

AthenianAnd me, I’m dying here, with my cock peeled bare.

LysistrataNext, Spartans, because I’m turning to you now: don’t you remember how Pericleidas the Spartan once came here and sat at the altars as a suppliant of the Athenians, white as a sheet in his scarlet cloak, begging for an army? Messene was bearing down on you then, and the god was shaking the earth at the same time. And Cimon came with four thousand hoplites and saved all Sparta. That’s how the Athenians treated you, and now you ravage the land of the people who did you good?note

AthenianThey’re in the wrong, by Zeus, Lysistrata!

SpartanWe are in the wrong. But that ass is beautiful past words.

LysistrataAnd do you think I’m letting you Athenians off? Don’t you remember how the Spartans, in their turn, when you were wearing slaves’ sheepskins, came in arms and killed many Thessalian men and many of Hippias’ friends and allies? They were the only ones fighting at your side that day, and they set you free, and in place of the sheepskin they dressed your people in the cloak of free men again.note

SpartanI never saw a finer woman.

AthenianAnd I never saw a lovelier pussy.

LysistrataThen with so many good turns between you, why are you fighting? Why don’t you stop this wickedness? Why haven’t you made peace? Come on, what’s in the way?

SpartanWe are willing, if they are willing to give us back this round thing here.

LysistrataWhich one, my friend?

SpartanPylos. We have wanted it a long time, and been feeling for it.note

AthenianBy Poseidon, that you won’t get!

LysistrataLet them have it, my good man.

AthenianThen what will we have left to screw?

LysistrataAsk for some other spot in exchange.

AthenianWell then, hand over this, er, thingummy to us: first of all Echinus, and the Malian Gulf around the back, and the Legs of Megara.note

SpartanNo, by the Twin Gods, not all of it, my dear fellow.

LysistrataLet it go. Don’t quarrel over a pair of legs.

AthenianRight now I want to strip naked and start plowing.

SpartanAnd I, by the Twin Gods, want to spread manure first.

LysistrataOnce you’ve made peace, you’ll do just that. But if you’ve decided to do this, talk it over, and go and share it with your allies.

AthenianWhat allies, my friend? We’re hard. Won’t all our allies decide the same as us two: to fuck?

SpartanOurs will, by the Twin Gods.

AthenianYes, and by Zeus, so will the Carystians.

LysistrataWell said. Now, then, purify yourselves, so that we women can entertain you on the Acropolis with what we had in our hampers. There you’ll swear oaths and give your pledges to each other. And then each of you will take his own wife and go home.

AthenianLet’s go, quickly.

SpartanLead where you will.

AthenianBy Zeus, lead on, fast as you can.

ChorusEmbroidered blankets,
and fine cloaks and gowns,
and gold jewelry, all I have:
I don’t begrudge anyone; I offer it all, to take
to your sons, and when your daughter carries the basket.
I tell you all, help yourselves
to my things in there now;
nothing’s sealed up so tight
that you can’t
pull the seals right off
and carry away whatever’s inside.
But you won’t see a thing when you look, unless
one of you
has sharper eyes than I do.

And if any of you has no grain,
but feeds slaves and
lots of little children,
you can have some wheat from me; it’s only fine-ground, true,
but a loaf from a quart of it is a strapping lad to look at.
So any of you poor folk who want some, come
to my place with sacks and
bags, and you’ll get
wheat: my Manes
will pour it in for you.
But I’m warning you now:
don’t come near
my door.
Beware of the dog.

First AthenianOpen the door! Won’t you get out of the way? What are you sitting there for? Do you want me to burn you up with this torch? That’s a cheap old routine. I won’t do it. Still, if I really have to, to please you, we’ll go through with it.

Second AthenianAnd we’ll go through with it alongside you.

First AthenianGet out of here! You’ll be howling over your hair for a long time. Get out, so the Spartans can come out from inside in peace after their feast.

Second AthenianI’ve never seen a party like it. The Spartans really were charming. And we were the cleverest company you ever saw, over the wine.

First AthenianQuite right, because sober we’re not in our right minds. If I can talk the Athenians into it, we’ll always go on our embassies drunk, wherever we go. As it is, when we go to Sparta sober, right away we’re looking for some trouble to stir up. So we don’t listen to what they do say, and we read things into what they don’t say, and we don’t report the same story about the same things. But this time everything went down well. So if somebody sang the Telamon song when he should have sung the Cleitagora, we’d have cheered him and sworn to it falsely as well. Hey, those people are coming back to the same spot again! Go to hell, you whipping-posts!note

Second AthenianBy Zeus, yes, they’re already coming out.

SpartanPolycharidas, my friend, take up the pipes, so I can do the two-step and sing a fine song for the Athenians and for us together.

AthenianYes, by the gods, take up the pipes, because I love watching you people dance.

Chorus of SpartansRouse, Memory,
for these young men
my Muse, who knows
us and the Athenians:
how at Artemisium they
charged like gods
against the ships and beat the Medes,
and Leonidas led us
like boars, I think,
whetting their tusks;
thick foam bloomed around their jaws,
thick foam ran down their legs as well.
For the men were no fewer
than the sands, those Persians.
Wild huntress, slayer of beasts,
come here, maiden goddess,
to the truce,
to keep us together a long time.note

AthenianCome now, since everything else has turned out well, Spartans, take these women home, and you, take these. Let husband stand by wife and wife by husband, and then, after dancing to the gods for our good fortune, let’s take care never to go wrong again.

Chorus of AtheniansBring on the dance, bring the Graces,
and call on Artemis,
and her twin, leader of the dance,
the Healer,
the kindly one; and the Nysian,
Bacchus, whose eyes blaze among the maenads,
and Zeus, aflame with fire, and
his queenly, blessed wife;
and then the spirits, whom we’ll call on
as witnesses who won’t forget
the gentle-hearted Peace and Quiet
that the goddess Aphrodite made.
Alalai! Iē paiōn!
Leap high, iai,
as for a victory, iai!
Euoi, euoi, euai, euai!note

AthenianNow you, bring out a new Muse to follow the new one.

Chorus of SpartansLeave lovely Taygetus once more,
Spartan Muse, and come, glorify for us,
as is fitting, the god at Amyclae
and Athena of the Bronze House,
and the noble sons of Tyndareus,
who play beside the Eurotas.
Come on, step high,
oh, come, leap lightly,
so we may sing of Sparta,
who loves the gods’ dances
and the stamp of feet,
where like fillies the girls
beside the Eurotas
leap, with quick feet
raising the dust,
and their hair tosses like Bacchants’
waving the thyrsus at play.
Leda’s daughter leads them,
the pure and lovely leader of the dance.
Come, bind up your hair with your hand, and leap with your feet
like a deer; and clap to help the dance along.note