IL y a vn epigramme en Martial qui est des bons, car il y en a chez luy de toutes sortes: où il recite plaisamment l’histoire de Cælius, qui pour fuir à faire la cour à quelques grans à Rome, se trouuer à leur leuer, les assister et les suyure, fit la mine d’auoir la goute: et pour rendre son excuse plus vray-semblable, se faisoit oindre les iambes, les auoit enueloppees, et contre-faisoit entierement le port et la contenance d’vn homme gouteux. En fin la Fortune luy fit ce plaisir de l’en rendre tout à faict. Tantum cura potest et ars doloris! / Desiit fingere Cœlius podagram.
There is an epigram in Martial—one of the good ones, for he has all kinds—in which he amusingly tells the story of Caelius. To avoid paying court to certain great men in Rome, attending their levees, waiting on them and following them about, Caelius pretended to have gout; and to make his excuse more convincing, he had his legs anointed and kept them wrapped up, and imitated the bearing and demeanor of a gouty man in every detail. In the end Fortune did him the favor of making him one in earnest. So much can care and the art of pain achieve! / Caelius has stopped pretending to have gout.
I’ay veu en quelque lieu d’Appian, ce me semble, vne pareille histoire, d’vn qui voulant eschapper aux proscriptions des triumvirs de Rome, pour se desrober de la cognoissance de ceux qui le poursuyuoient, se tenant caché et trauesti, y adiousta encore cette inuention, de contre-faire le borgne: quand il vint à recouurer vn peu plus de liberté, et qu’il voulut deffaire l’emplatre qu’il auoit long temps porté sur son œil, il trouua que sa veuë estoit effectuellement perdue soubs ce masque. Il est possible que l’action de la veuë s’estoit hebetée, pour auoir esté si long temps sans exercice, et que la force visiue s’estoit toute reietée en l’autre œil.
I have read somewhere in Appian, I think, a similar story of a man who wanted to escape the proscriptions of the triumvirs at Rome. To keep from being recognized by those pursuing him, he stayed hidden and disguised, and added a further trick: he pretended to be blind in one eye. When he came to recover a little more freedom and wanted to remove the plaster he had long worn over his eye, he found that his sight had actually been lost under this mask. It is possible that the action of sight had been dulled by going so long without exercise, and that the power of seeing had all been transferred into the other eye.
Car nous sentons euidemment que l’œil que nous tenons couuert, r’enuoye à son compaignon quelque partie de son effect: en maniere que celuy qui reste, s’en grossit et s’en enfle. Comme aussi l’oisiueté, auec la chaleur des liaisons et des medicamens, auoit bien peu attirer quelque humeur podagrique au gouteux de Martial.
For we clearly feel that the eye we keep covered sends some part of its function to its companion, so that the remaining one grows stronger and swells from it. Just as, too, idleness, together with the heat of the bandages and ointments, may well have drawn some gouty humor to Martial’s gouty man.
Lisant chez Froissard, le vœu d’vne troupe de ieunes Gentils-hommes Anglois, de porter l’œil gauche bandé, iusques à ce qu’ils eussent passé en France, et exploité quelque faict d’armes sur nous: ie me suis souuent chatouïllé de ce pensement, qu’il leur eust pris, comme à ces autres, et qu’ils se fussent trouuez tous éborgnez au reuoir des maistresses, pour lesquelles ils auoyent faict l’entreprise.
Reading in Froissart of the vow of a troop of young English gentlemen to wear their left eye bandaged until they had crossed into France and performed some feat of arms against us, I have often been tickled by the thought that it might have happened to them as to those others, and that they might all have found themselves one-eyed when they saw again the ladies for whose sake they had undertaken the enterprise.
Les meres ont raison de tancer leurs enfans, quand ils contrefont les borgnes, les boiteux et les bicles, et tels autres defauts de la personne: car outre ce que le corps ainsi tendre en peut receuoir vn mauuais ply, ie ne sçay comment il semble que la Fortune se ioüe à nous prendre au mot: et i’ay ouy reciter plusieurs exemples de gens deuenus malades ayant dessigné de feindre l’estre. De tout temps i’ay apprins de charger ma main et à cheual et à pied, d’vne baguette ou d’vn baston: iusques à y chercher de l’elegance, et m’en seiourner, d’vne contenance affettée. Plusieurs m’ont menacé, que Fortune tourneroit vn iour cette mignardise en necessité.
Mothers are right to scold their children when they mimic the one-eyed, the lame, the cross-eyed and other such physical defects. Besides the fact that a body so tender may take a bad bent from it, I don’t know how, but Fortune seems to enjoy taking us at our word; and I have heard many examples of people who fell ill after planning to pretend to be. I have always been in the habit of carrying a switch or a stick in my hand, on horseback and on foot—even going so far as to seek elegance in it and to lean on it with an affected air. Many have warned me that Fortune would one day turn this affectation into necessity.
Ie me fonde sur ce que ie seroy le premier goutteux de ma race.
I rely on the fact that I would be the first of my line to have gout.
Mais alongeons ce chapitre et le bigarrons d’vne autre piece, à propos de la cecité. Pline dit d’vn, qui songeant estre aueugle en dormant, se le trouua l’endemain, sans aucune maladie precedente. La force de l’imagination peut bien ayder à cela, comme i’ay dit ailleurs, et semble que Pline soit de cet aduis: mais il est plus vray-semblable, que les mouuemens que le corps sentoit au dedans, desquels les medecins trouueront, s’ils veulent, la cause, qui luy ostoient la veuë, furent occasion du songe.
But let us lengthen this chapter and patch it with another piece, on the subject of blindness. Pliny tells of a man who dreamed in his sleep that he was blind and found that he was so the next day, without any previous illness. The power of imagination may well help in that, as I have said elsewhere, and Pliny seems to be of this opinion. But it is more likely that the movements the body felt within, which were taking away his sight—the physicians will find their cause if they care to—were what occasioned the dream.
Adioustons encore vn’ histoire voisine de ce propos, que Seneque recite en l’vne de ses lettres: Tu sçais, dit-il, escriuant à Lucilius, que Harpasté la folle de ma femme, est demeurée chez moy pour charge hereditaire: car de mon goust ie suis ennemy de ces montres, et si i’ay enuie de rire d’vn fol, il ne me le faut chercher guere loing, ie ris de moy-mesme. Cette folle, a subitement perdu la veuë. Ie te recite chose estrange, mais veritable: elle ne sent point qu’elle soit aueugle, et presse incessamment son gouuerneur de l’emmener, par ce qu’elle dit que ma maison est obscure.
Let us add one more story related to this subject, which Seneca tells in one of his letters. “You know,” he says, writing to Lucilius, “that Harpaste, my wife’s fool, has stayed on in my house as a burden I inherited. For my own taste is against such spectacles; and if I want to laugh at a fool, I need not look far: I laugh at myself. This fool has suddenly lost her sight. I am telling you something strange but true: she does not feel that she is blind, and keeps pressing her attendant to take her out, because she says my house is dark.
Ce que nous rions en elle, ie te prie croire, qu’il aduient à chacun de nous: nul ne cognoist estre auare, nul conuoiteux. Encore les aueugles demandent vn guide, nous nous fouruoions de nous mesmes. Ie ne suis pas ambitieux, disons nous, mais à Rome on ne peut viure autrement: ie ne suis pas sumptueux, mais la ville requiert vne grande despence: ce n’est pas ma faute, si ie suis cholere, si ie n’ay encore establi aucun train asseuré de vie, c’est la faute de la ieunesse. Ne cherchons pas hors de nous nostre mal, il est chez nous: il est planté en nos entrailles. Et cela mesme, que nous ne sentons pas estre malades, nous rend la guerison plus malaisée.
What we laugh at in her, believe me, happens to every one of us. No one knows that he is avaricious, no one that he is covetous. The blind at least ask for a guide; we go astray of our own accord. ‘I am not ambitious,’ we say, ‘but in Rome one cannot live otherwise. I am not extravagant, but the city demands great expense. It is not my fault if I am irascible; if I have not yet settled on any fixed way of life, it is the fault of youth.’ Let us not look outside ourselves for our ailment: it is within us, planted in our vitals. And the very fact that we do not feel we are sick makes the cure harder.
Si nous ne commençons de bonne heure à nous penser, quand aurons nous pourueu à tant de playes et à tant de maux? Si auons nous vne tres-douce medecine, que la philosophie: car des autres, on n’en sent le plaisir, qu’apres la guerison, cette cy plaist et guerit ensemble. Voyla ce que dit Seneque, qui m’a emporté hors de mon propos: mais il y a du profit au change.
If we do not begin early to tend ourselves, when will we have dealt with so many wounds and so many ills? Yet we have a very sweet medicine in philosophy: with the others, we feel the pleasure only after the cure; this one pleases and cures at the same time.” That is what Seneca says, and he has carried me away from my subject; but there is profit in the exchange.