IL est malaisé que le discours et l’instruction, encore que nostre creance s’y applique volontiers, soyent assez puissants pour nous acheminer iusques à l’action, si outre cela nous n’exerçons et formons nostre ame par experience au train, auquel nous la voulons renger: autrement quand elle sera au propre des effets, elle s’y trouuera sans doute empeschée. Voylà pourquoy parmy les Philosophes, ceux qui ont voulu atteindre à quelque plus grande excellence, ne se sont pas contentez d’attendre à couuert et en repos les rigueurs de la Fortune, de peur qu’elle ne les surprinst inexperimentez et nouueaux au combat: ains ils luy sont allez au deuant, et se sont iettez à escient à la preuue des difficultez.
It is hard for reasoning and instruction, however willingly our belief embraces them, to be powerful enough to carry us all the way to action, unless in addition we exercise and train our soul by experience in the course we want to set it on; otherwise, when it comes to the point of acting, it will no doubt find itself at a loss. That is why, among the philosophers, those who sought to attain some greater excellence were not content to await the rigors of Fortune in shelter and at rest, for fear she might catch them inexperienced and new to the fight. Instead they went out to meet her and deliberately threw themselves into the test of hardships.
Les vns en ont abandonné les richesses, pour s’exercer à vne pauureté volontaire: les autres ont recherché le labeur, et vne austerité de vie penible, pour se durcir au mal et au trauail: d’autres se sont priuez des parties du corps les plus cheres, comme de la veuë et des membres propres à la generation, de peur que leur seruice trop plaisant et trop mol, ne relaschast et n’attendrist la fermeté de leur ame.
Some gave up their riches to train themselves in voluntary poverty; others sought out labor and a painful austerity of life to harden themselves to pain and toil; others deprived themselves of the dearest parts of the body, such as their sight and their organs of generation, for fear that the too pleasant and too soft service of these might slacken and soften the firmness of their soul.
Mais à mourir, qui est la plus grande besoigne que nous ayons à faire, l’exercitation ne nous y peut ayder. On se peut par vsage et par experience fortifier contre les douleurs, la honte, l’indigence; et tels autres accidents: mais quant à la mort, nous ne la pouuons essayer qu’vne fois: nous y sommes tous apprentifs, quand nous y venons.
But for dying, which is the greatest task we have to perform, practice cannot help us. We can fortify ourselves by habit and experience against pain, shame, poverty and other such accidents; but as for death, we can try it only once. We are all apprentices when we come to it.
Il s’est trouué anciennement des hommes si excellens mesnagers du temps, qu’ils ont essayé en la mort mesme, de la gouster et sauourer: et ont bandé leur esprit, pour voir que c’estoit de ce passage: mais ils ne sont pas reuenus nous en dire les nouuelles. Nemo expergitus extat, / Frigida quem semel est vitaï pausa sequuta.
There have been men in ancient times who managed their time so well that they tried to taste and savor death even as they died, and strained their minds to see what this passage was like; but they have not come back to tell us the news. No one wakes and rises again / Once the cold pause of life has overtaken him.
Canius Iulius noble Romain, de vertu et fermeté singuliere, ayant esté condamné à la mort par ce marault de Caligula: outre plusieurs merueilleuses preuues qu’il donna de sa resolution, comme il estoit sur le poinct de souffrir la main du bourreau, vn Philosophe son amy luy demanda: Et bien Canius, en quelle démarche est à cette heure vostre ame? que fait elle? en quels pensemens estes vous?
Canius Julius, a Roman nobleman of singular virtue and firmness, was condemned to death by that scoundrel Caligula. Besides many marvelous proofs he gave of his resolution, when he was on the point of submitting to the executioner’s hand, a philosopher who was his friend asked him: “Well, Canius, what state is your soul in now? What is it doing? What are your thoughts?”
Ie pensois, luy respondit-il, à me tenir prest et bandé de toute ma force, pour voir, si en cet instant de la mort, si court et si brief, ie pourray apperceuoir quelque deslogement de l’ame, et si elle aura quelque ressentiment de son yssuë, pour, si i’en aprens quelque chose, en reuenir donner apres, si ie puis, aduertissement à mes amis. Cestuy-cy philosophe non seulement iusqu’à la mort, mais en la mort mesme. Quelle asseurance estoit-ce, et quelle fierté de courage, de vouloir que sa mort luy seruist de leçon, et auoir loisir de penser ailleurs en vn si grand affaire? Ius hoc animi morientis habebat.
“I was thinking,” he answered, “of holding myself ready and braced with all my strength, to see whether in this instant of death, so short and brief, I shall be able to perceive the soul moving out, and whether it will have any feeling of its departure; so that, if I learn anything about it, I may come back afterward, if I can, and let my friends know.” This man philosophizes not only up to death but in death itself. What assurance it was, and what pride of courage, to want his death to serve him as a lesson, and to have the leisure to think of other things in so great a business! Such command over his mind he kept in dying.
Il me semble toutesfois qu’il y a quelque façon de nous appriuoiser à elle, et de l’essayer aucunement. Nous en pouuons auoir experience, sinon entiere et parfaicte: aumoins telle qu’elle ne soit pas inutile, et qui nous rende plus fortifiez et asseurez. Si nous ne la pouuons ioindre, nous la pouuons approcher, nous la pouuons reconnoistre: et si nous ne donnons iusques à son fort, aumoins verrons nous et en pratiquerons les aduenuës. Ce n’est pas sans raison qu’on nous fait regarder à nostre sommeil mesme, pour la ressemblance qu’il a de la mort. Combien facilement nous passons du veiller au dormir, auec combien peu d’interest nous perdons la connoissance de la lumiere et de nous!
It seems to me, however, that there is some way of taming ourselves to death and trying it out in some measure. We can have an experience of it which, if not whole and perfect, is at least not useless, and makes us stronger and more assured. If we cannot reach it, we can approach it, we can reconnoiter it; and if we do not get as far as its fortress, at least we shall see and travel the roads that lead to it. It is not without reason that we are told to look at our very sleep, for the resemblance it bears to death. How easily we pass from waking to sleeping! With how little concern we lose awareness of the light and of ourselves!
A l’aduenture pourroit sembler inutile et contre Nature la faculté du sommeil, qui nous priue de toute action et de tout sentiment, n’estoit que par iceluy Nature nous instruict, quelle nous a pareillement faicts pour mourir, que pour viure, et dés la vie nous presente l’eternel estat qu’elle nous garde apres icelle, pour nous y accoustumer et nous en oster la crainte.
Perhaps the faculty of sleep, which deprives us of all action and all feeling, might seem useless and contrary to Nature, were it not that through it Nature teaches us that she has made us for dying as much as for living, and while we are still alive shows us the eternal state she keeps for us after life, to accustom us to it and take away our fear of it.
Mais ceux qui sont tombez par quelque violent accident en defaillance de cœur, et qui y ont perdu tous sentimens, ceux là à mon aduis ont esté bien pres de voir son vray et naturel visage. Car quant à l’instant et au poinct du passage, il n’est pas à craindre, qu’il porte auec soy aucun trauail ou desplaisir: d’autant que nous ne pouuons auoir nul sentiment, sans loisir. Nos souffrances ont besoing de temps, qui est si court et si precipité en la mort, qu’il faut necessairement qu’elle soit insensible. Ce sont les approches que nous auons à craindre: et celles-là peuuent tomber en experience.
But those who have fainted from some violent accident and lost all feeling—those, in my view, have come very close to seeing death’s true and natural face. For as to the instant and point of passing, there is no need to fear that it brings any pain or distress with it, since we can have no feeling without time. Our sufferings need time, and in death time is so short and so hurried that death must necessarily be imperceptible. It is the approaches we have to fear; and those can fall within our experience.
Plusieurs choses nous semblent plus grandes par imagination, que par effect. I’ay passé vne bonne partie de mon aage en vne parfaite et entiere santé: ie dy non seulement entiere, mais encore allegre et bouillante. Cet estat plein de verdeur et de feste, me faisoit trouuer si horrible la consideration des maladies, que quand ie suis venu à les experimenter, i’ay trouué leurs pointures molles et lasches au prix de ma crainte. Voicy que i’espreuue tous les iours: Suis-ie à couuert chaudement dans vne bonne sale, pendant qu’il se passe vne nuict orageuse et tempesteuse: ie m’estonne et m’afflige pour ceux qui sont lors en la campaigne: y suis-ie moy-mesme, ie ne desire pas seulement d’estre ailleurs.
Many things seem greater to us in imagination than in reality. I spent a good part of my life in perfect and entire health: I say not only entire, but lively and full of fire. That state, so full of vigor and festivity, made the thought of illness so horrible to me that when I came to experience it, I found its pangs mild and feeble compared with my fear. Here is what I find every day. If I am snug and warm under cover in a good room while a stormy, tempestuous night is going on outside, I am dismayed and distressed for those who are out in the open country; if I am out there myself, I do not even wish to be elsewhere.
Cela seul, d’estre tousiours enfermé dans vne chambre, me sembloit insupportable: ie fus incontinent dressé à y estre vne semaine, et vn mois, plein d’émotion, d’alteration et de foiblesse: et ay trouué que lors de ma santé, ie plaignois les malades beaucoup plus, que ie ne me trouue à plaindre moy-mesme, quand i’en suis; et que la force de mon apprehension encherissoit pres de moitié l’essence et verité de la chose. I’espere qu’il m’en aduiendra de mesme de la mort: et qu’elle ne vaut pas la peine que ie prens à tant d’apprests que ie dresse, et tant de secours que i’appelle et assemble pour en soustenir l’effort. Mais à toutes aduantures nous ne pouuons nous donner trop d’auantage.
Just being shut up in a room all the time seemed unbearable to me; I was soon trained to stay there a week, and a month, full of agitation, disturbance and weakness. And I have found that when I was healthy I pitied the sick much more than I find myself to be pitied when I am sick, and that the force of my apprehension inflated the substance and truth of the thing by nearly half. I hope the same will happen to me with death, and that it is not worth all the trouble I take over the many preparations I make and the many aids I call up and assemble to withstand its assault. But at all events, we can never give ourselves too much of an advantage.
The fall from the horse
Montaigne recounts being knocked senseless in a riding accident during the civil wars.
Pendant nos troisiesmes troubles, ou deuxiesmes, il ne me souuient pas bien de cela, m’estant allé vn iour promener à vne lieuë de chez moy, qui suis assis dans le moiau de tout le trouble des guerres ciuiles de France; estimant estre en toute seureté, et si voisin de ma retraicte, que ie n’auoy, point besoin de meilleur equipage, i’auoy pris vn cheual bien aisé, mais non guere ferme.
During our third troubles, or the second—I do not remember that well—I went out riding one day a league from my house, which is set at the very hub of all the turmoil of the civil wars of France. I thought myself perfectly safe and so near home that I had no need of better equipment, and I had taken a horse that was very easy to ride but not very sturdy.
A mon retour, vne occasion soudaine s’estant presentée de m’aider de ce cheual à vn seruice, qui n’estoit pas bien de son vsage, vn de mes gens grand et fort, monté sur vn puissant roussin, qui auoit vne bouche desesperée, frais au demeurant et vigoureux, pour faire le hardy et deuancer ses compaignons, vint à le pousser à toute bride droict dans ma route, et fondre comme vn colosse sur le petit homme et petit cheual, et le foudroyer de sa roideur et de sa pesanteur, nous enuoyant l’vn et l’autre les pieds contre-mont: si que voila le cheual abbatu et couché tout estourdy, moy dix ou douze pas au delà, estendu à la renuerse, le visage tout meurtry et tout escorché, mon espée que i’auoy à la main, à plus de dix pas au delà, ma ceinture en pieces, n’ayant ny mouuement, ny sentiment, non plus qu’vne souche.
On my way back, a sudden occasion arose to use this horse for a task it was not much used to. One of my men, big and strong, was riding a powerful workhorse that had a desperately hard mouth but was otherwise fresh and vigorous. To show off his daring and get ahead of his companions, he spurred it at full tilt straight into my path, came down like a colossus on the little man and the little horse, and struck us like a thunderbolt with all his stiffness and weight, sending us both heels over head. So there lay the horse, knocked down and completely stunned, and there was I, ten or twelve paces beyond, stretched out on my back, my face all bruised and skinned, my sword, which I had had in my hand, more than ten paces further on, my belt in pieces, with no more movement or feeling than a log.
C’est le seul esuanouissement que i’aye senty, iusques à cette heure. Ceux qui estoient auec moy, apres auoir essayé par tous les moyens qu’ils peurent, de me faire reuenir, me tenans pour mort, me prindrent entre leurs bras, et m’emportoient auec beaucoup de difficulté en ma maison, qui estoit loing de là, enuiron vne demy lieuë Françoise. Sur le chemin, et apres auoir esté plus de deux grosses heures tenu pour trespassé, ie commençay à me mouuoir et respirer: car il estoit tombé si grande abondance de sang dans mon estomach, que pour l’en descharger, Nature eut besoin de resusciter ses forces.
It is the only time I have fainted, up to now. Those who were with me tried every means they could to bring me round; then, taking me for dead, they lifted me in their arms and carried me with great difficulty toward my house, which was some way off, about half a French league. On the way, after I had been taken for dead for more than two full hours, I began to move and breathe: for so much blood had poured into my stomach that Nature had to revive her forces to get rid of it.
On me dressa sur mes pieds, où ie rendy vn plein seau de bouillons de sang pur: et plusieurs fois par le chemin, il m’en falut faire de même. Par là ie commençay à reprendre vn peu de vie, mais ce fut par les menus, et par vn si long traict de temps, que mes premiers sentimens estoient beaucoup plus approchans de la mort que de la vie. Perchè, dubbiosa anchor del suo ritorno, / Non s’assecura attonita la mente.
They set me on my feet, and I threw up a whole bucketful of clots of pure blood; and several times along the way I had to do the same. That is how I began to recover a little life; but it came bit by bit, and over so long a stretch of time that my first sensations were much closer to death than to life. For, still uncertain of its return, / The stunned mind cannot steady itself.
Cette recordation que i’en ay fort empreinte en mon ame, me representant son visage et son idée si pres du naturel, me concilie aucunement à elle. Quand ie commençay à y voir, ce fut d’vne veuë si trouble, si foible, et si morte, que ie ne discernois encores rien que la lumiere, —come quel ch’or apre, or chiude / Gli occhi, mezzo tra’l sonno è l’esser desto. Quant aux functions de l’ame, elles naissoient auec mesme progrez, que celles du corps. Ie me vy tout sanglant: car mon pourpoinct estoit taché par tout du sang que i’auoy rendu. La premiere pensée qui me vint, ce fut que i’auoy vne harquebusade en la teste: de vray en mesme temps, il s’en tiroit plusieurs autour de nous.
This memory, deeply imprinted on my soul, shows me death’s face and image so true to life that it somewhat reconciles me to it. When I began to see, it was with sight so blurred, so weak and so dead that I still could make out nothing but the light, —like one who now opens, now closes / His eyes, halfway between sleep and waking. As for the functions of the soul, they came back at the same pace as those of the body. I saw I was covered in blood, for my doublet was stained all over with the blood I had thrown up. The first thought that came to me was that I had taken an arquebus shot in the head; and in fact several shots were being fired around us at that same moment.
Il me sembloit que ma vie ne me tenoit plus qu’au bout des léures: ie fermois les yeux pour ayder, ce me sembloit, à la pousser hors, et prenois plaisir à m’alanguir et à me laisser aller. C’estoit vne imagination qui ne faisoit que nager superficiellement en mon ame, aussi tendre et aussi foible que tout le reste: mais à la verité non seulement exempte de desplaisir, ains meslée à cette douceur, que sentent ceux qui se laissent glisser au sommeil.
It seemed to me that my life was hanging on only by the tip of my lips. I closed my eyes in order, as it seemed to me, to help push it out, and I took pleasure in growing languid and letting myself go. It was a notion that merely floated on the surface of my soul, as tender and as feeble as all the rest; but in truth it was not only free from distress but mingled with that sweetness people feel when they let themselves slip into sleep.
Ie croy que c’est ce mesme estat, où se trouuent ceux qu’on void défaillans de foiblesse, en l’agonie de la mort: et tiens que nous les plaignons sans cause, estimans qu’ils soyent agitez de griéues douleurs, ou auoir l’ame pressée de cogitations penibles.
I believe this is the very state in which we find those whom we see fainting from weakness in the throes of death; and I hold that we pity them without cause, thinking they are racked by grievous pains or that their souls are oppressed by painful thoughts.
Ç’a esté tousiours mon aduis, contre l’opinion de plusieurs, et mesme d’Estienne de la Boetie, que ceux que nous voyons ainsi renuersez et assoupis aux approches de leur fin, ou accablez de la longueur du mal, ou par accident d’vne apoplexie, ou mal caduc, (vi morbi sæpe coactus / Ante oculos aliquis nostros, vt fulminis ictu, / Concidit, et spumas agit: ingemit, et fremit artus, / Desipit, extentat neruos, torquetur, anhelat, / Inconstanter et in iactando membra fatigat.) ou blessez en la teste, que nous oyons rommeller, et rendre par fois des souspirs trenchans, quoy que nous en tirons aucuns signes, par où il semble qu’il leur reste encore de la cognoissance, et quelques mouuemens que nous leur voyons faire du corps: i’ay tousiours pensé, dis-ie, qu’ils auoient et l’ame et le corps enseueli, et endormy.
It has always been my view, against the opinion of many, and even of Étienne de La Boétie, that those whom we see thus prostrate and drowsy as their end approaches, or overwhelmed by the length of their illness, or struck by apoplexy or the falling sickness, (often, overcome by the violence of the disease, / A man falls before our eyes as if struck by lightning, / And foams at the mouth; he groans, his limbs tremble, / He raves, his sinews stiffen, he writhes, he pants, / And wears out his limbs in fitful tossing.) or wounded in the head, whom we hear rattle in their throats and sometimes utter piercing sighs—although we draw from these some signs that seem to show that some awareness remains to them, as we do from certain movements we see them make with their bodies—I have always thought, I say, that both their soul and their body were buried and asleep.
Viuit, et est vitæ nescius ipse suæ. Et ne pouuois croire qu’à vn si grand estonnement de membres, et si grande défaillance des sens, l’ame peust maintenir aucune force au dedans pour se recognoistre: et que par ainsin ils n’auoient aucun discours qui les tourmentast, et qui leur peust faire iuger et sentir la misere de leur condition, et que par consequent, ils n’estoient pas fort à plaindre.
He lives, and is himself unaware of his life. And I could not believe that, with the limbs so stunned and the senses so far gone, the soul could keep any strength within by which to recognize itself; and so I believed that they had no reasoning to torment them and make them judge and feel the wretchedness of their condition, and consequently that they were not much to be pitied.
Ie n’imagine aucun estat pour moy si insupportable et horrible, que d’auoir l’ame vifue, et affligée, sans moyen de se declarer. Comme ie dirois de ceux qu’on enuoye au supplice, leur ayant couppé la langue: si ce n’estoit qu’en cette sorte de mort, la plus muette me semble la mieux seante, si elle est accompaignée d’vn ferme visage et graue. Et comme ces miserables prisonniers qui tombent és mains des vilains bourreaux soldats de ce temps, desquels ils sont tourmentez de toute espece de cruel traictement, pour les contraindre à quelque rançon excessiue et impossible: tenus cependant en condition et en lieu, où ils n’ont moyen quelconque d’expression et signification de leurs pensées et de leur misere.
I can imagine no state so unbearable and horrible for me as having my soul alive and afflicted with no means of expressing itself. I would say the same of those who are sent to execution with their tongues cut out—were it not that in this kind of death the most silent seems to me the most becoming, if it is accompanied by a firm and grave countenance. And the same goes for those wretched prisoners who fall into the hands of the vile soldier-torturers of our time, who torment them with every kind of cruel treatment to force them into paying some excessive and impossible ransom, while keeping them in such a condition and place that they have no means whatever of expressing and making known their thoughts and their misery.
Les Poëtes ont feint quelques Dieux fauorables à la deliurance de ceux qui trainoient ainsin vne mort languissante: Hunc ego Diti / Sacrum iussa fero, téque isto corpore soluo. Et les voix et responses courtes et descousues, qu’on leur arrache quelquefois à force de crier autour de leurs oreilles, et de les tempester, ou des mouuemens qui semblent auoir quelque consentement à ce qu’on leur demande, ce n’est pas tesmoignage qu’ils viuent pourtant, au moins vne vie entiere.
The poets have imagined certain gods who favor the deliverance of those who are thus dragging out a lingering death: This I bear, as bidden, sacred to Dis, / And release you from that body. And the short, disjointed words and answers sometimes wrung from them by shouting in their ears and badgering them, or the movements that seem to show some assent to what is asked of them, are no proof that they are alive, at least not with a full life.
Il nous aduient ainsi sur le beguayement du sommeil, auant qu’il nous ait du tout saisis, de sentir comme en songe, ce qui se faict autour de nous, et suyure les voix, d’vne ouye trouble et incertaine, qui semble ne donner qu’aux bords de l’ame: et faisons des responses à la suitte des dernieres paroles, qu’on nous a dites, qui ont plus de fortune que de sens.
The same thing happens to us in the first stammerings of sleep, before it has entirely taken hold of us: we sense, as if in a dream, what is going on around us, and we follow voices with a blurred and uncertain hearing that seems to touch only the edges of the soul; and we give answers, following on from the last words spoken to us, that have more luck than sense.
Or à present que ie l’ay essayé par effect, ie ne fay nul doubte que ie n’en aye bien iugé iusques à cette heure. Car premierement estant tout esuanouy, ie me trauaillois d’entr’ouurir mon pourpoinct à beaux ongles, car i’estoy desarmé, et si sçay que ie ne sentois en l’imagination rien qui me blessast. Car il y a plusieurs mouuemens en nous, qui ne partent pas de nostre ordonnance.
Now that I have tested it in practice, I have no doubt that I judged rightly until now. For first, while I was quite unconscious, I was struggling to tear open my doublet with my bare nails (for I was unarmed), and yet I know that I felt nothing in my imagination that hurt me. For there are many movements in us that do not proceed from our command.
Semianimésque micant digiti, ferrúmque retractant. Ceux qui tombent, eslancent ainsi les bras au deuant de leur cheute, par vne naturelle impulsion, qui fait que nos membres se prestent des offices, et ont des agitations à part de nostre discours: Falciferos memorant currus abscindere membra, / Vt tremere in terra videatur ab artubus, id quod / Decidit abscissum, cùm mens tamen atque hominis vis / Mobilitate mali, non quit sentire dolorem. I’auoy mon estomach pressé de ce sang caillé, mes mains y couroient d’elles-memes, comme elles font souuent, où il nous demange, contre l’aduis de nostre volonté. Il y a plusieurs animaux, et des hommes mesmes, apres qu’ils sont trespassez, ausquels on voit resserrer et remuer des muscles.
The half-dead fingers twitch and clutch at the sword again. People who fall throw their arms out in front of them in this way as they fall, by a natural impulse which makes our limbs lend one another their services and have stirrings of their own, apart from our reasoning: They tell how scythe-bearing chariots lop off limbs so swiftly / that what has fallen, severed from the body, is seen to quiver / on the ground, while yet the man’s mind and strength, / through the speed of the harm, cannot feel the pain. My stomach was oppressed with that clotted blood, and my hands ran to it of their own accord, as they often do where we itch, against the advice of our will. There are many animals, and even men, in whom muscles can be seen to contract and move after they are dead.
Chacun sçait par experience, qu’il a des parties qui se branslent, dressent et couchent souuent sans son congé. Or ces passions qui ne nous touchent que par l’escorse, ne se peuuent dire nostres. Pour les faire nostres, il faut que l’homme y soit engagé tout entier: et les douleurs que le pied ou la main sentent pendant que nous dormons, ne sont pas à nous.
Everyone knows from experience that he has parts that often stir, stand up and lie down without his leave. Now these passions that touch us only on the bark cannot be called ours. To make them ours, the whole man must be engaged in them; and the pains that the foot or the hand feels while we are asleep are not ours.
Comme i’approchay de chez moy, où l’alarme de ma cheute auoit desia couru, et que ceux de ma famille m’eurent rencontré, auec les cris accoustumez en telles choses: non seulement ie respondois quelque mot à ce qu’on me demandoit, mais encore ils disent que ie m’aduisay de commander qu’on donnast vn cheual à ma femme, que ie voyoy s’empestrer et se tracasser dans le chemin, qui est montueux et mal-aisé. Il semble que cette consideration deust partir d’vne ame esueillée; si est-ce que ie n’y estois aucunement: c’estoyent des pensemens vains en nuë, qui estoyent esmeuz par les sens des yeux et des oreilles: ils ne venoyent pas de chez moy.
As I approached my house, where the alarm of my fall had already run ahead, and my household had come to meet me with the cries customary on such occasions, not only did I answer a word or two to what I was asked, but they say I even thought to order that a horse be given to my wife, whom I saw stumbling and struggling along the road, which is hilly and rough. It would seem that this consideration must have come from a soul that was awake; and yet I was not there at all. These were empty thoughts, up in the clouds, stirred up by the senses of the eyes and ears; they did not come from inside me.
Ie ne sçauoy pourtant ny d’où ie venoy, ny où i’aloy, ny ne pouuois poiser et considerer ce qu’on me demandoit: ce sont de legers effects, que les sens produysoyent d’eux mesmes, comme d’vn vsage: ce que l’ame y prestoit, c’estoit en songe, touchée bien legerement, et comme lechée seulement et arrosée par la molle impression des sens. Cependant mon assiette estoit à la verité tres-douce et paisible: ie n’auoy affliction ny pour autruy ny pour moy: c’estoit vne langueur et vne extreme foiblesse, sans aucune douleur. Ie vy ma maison sans la recognoistre.
Yet I did not know where I was coming from or where I was going, nor could I weigh and consider what I was asked. These are slight effects that the senses produced by themselves, as if out of habit. What the soul contributed was in a dream, touched very lightly, and as it were only licked and sprinkled by the soft impression of the senses. Meanwhile my state was in truth very gentle and peaceful. I felt no distress either for others or for myself; it was a languor and an extreme weakness, without any pain. I saw my house without recognizing it.
Quand on m’eut couché, ie senty vne infinie douceur à ce repos: car i’auoy esté vilainement tirassé par ces pauures gens, qui auoyent pris la peine de me porter sur leurs bras, par vn long et tres-mauuais chemin, et s’y estoient lassez deux ou trois fois les vns apres les autres. On me presenta force remedes, dequoy ie n’en receuz aucun, tenant pour certain, que i’estoy blessé à mort par la teste. C’eust esté sans mentir vne mort bien heureuse: car la foiblesse de mon discours me gardoit d’en rien iuger, et celle du corps d’en rien sentir. Ie me laissoy couler si doucement, et d’vne façon si molle et si aisée, que ie ne sens guere autre action moins poisante que celle-la estoit.
When they had put me to bed, I felt an infinite sweetness in that rest, for I had been wretchedly hauled about by those poor people, who had taken the trouble to carry me in their arms over a long and very bad road, and had worn themselves out two or three times, taking turns. They offered me plenty of remedies, of which I accepted none, being certain that I was mortally wounded in the head. It would truly have been a very happy death; for the weakness of my reasoning kept me from judging anything of it, and the weakness of my body from feeling anything. I was letting myself slip away so gently, in so soft and easy a manner, that I can hardly feel any action less burdensome than that one was.
Quand ie vins à reuiure, et à reprendre mes forces, Vt tandem sensus conualuere mei, qui fut deux ou trois heures apres, ie me senty tout d’vn train rengager aux douleurs, ayant les membres tous moulus et froissez de ma cheute, et en fus si mal deux ou trois nuits apres, que i’en cuiday remourir encore vn coup: mais d’vne mort plus vifue, et me sens encore de la secousse de cette froissure. Ie ne veux pas oublier cecy, que la derniere chose en quoy ie me peuz remettre, ce fut la souuenance de cet accident: et me fis redire plusieurs fois, où i’aloy, d’où ie venoy, à quelle heure cela m’estoit aduenu, auant que de le pouuoir conceuoir.
When I came back to life and regained my strength, When at last my senses grew strong again, which was two or three hours later, I felt myself caught up all at once in pain again, my limbs all battered and bruised from my fall; and for two or three nights afterward I was so ill from it that I thought I would die all over again, but this time a death more keenly felt; and I still feel the shock of that bruising. I do not want to forget this: the last thing I was able to recover was the memory of this accident. I had them tell me several times where I was going, where I was coming from, at what time it had happened to me, before I could take it in.
Quant à la façon de ma cheute, on me la cachoit, en faueur de celuy, qui en auoit esté cause, et m’en forgeoit on d’autres. Mais long temps apres, et le lendemain, quand ma memoire vint à s’entr’ouurir, et me representer l’estat, où ie m’estoy trouué en l’instant que i’auoy aperçeu ce cheual fondant sur moy (car ie l’auoy veu à mes talons, et me tins pour mort: mais ce pensement auoit esté si soudain, que la peur n’eut pas loisir de s’y engendrer) il me sembla que c’estoit vn esclair qui me frapoit l’ame de secousse, et que ie reuenoy de l’autre monde.
As for the way I fell, they hid it from me, out of consideration for the man who had caused it, and made up other versions for me. But long afterward, the next day, when my memory began to open a little and to bring back to me the state I had been in at the instant I saw that horse bearing down on me (for I had seen it at my heels and taken myself for dead, but that thought had been so sudden that fear had no time to arise from it), it seemed to me that it was a flash of lightning striking my soul with a jolt, and that I was coming back from the other world.
Portraying oneself
Why studying and describing himself is useful, and why speaking of oneself is no vice.
Ce conte d’vn euénement si leger, est assez vain, n’estoit l’instruction que i’en ay tirée pour moy: car à la verité pour s’apriuoiser à la mort, ie trouue qu’il n’y a que de s’en auoisiner. Or, comme dit Pline, chacun est à soy-mesmes vne tres bonne discipline, pourueu qu’il ait la suffisance de s’espier de pres. Ce n’est pas icy ma doctrine, c’est mon estude: et n’est pas la leçon d’autruy, c’est la mienne. Et ne me doibt on pourtant sçauoir mauuais gré, si ie la communique. Ce qui me sert, peut aussi par accident seruir à vn autre. Au demeurant, ie ne gaste rien, ie n’vse que du mien.
This account of so trivial an event would be rather pointless, were it not for the lesson I have drawn from it for myself; for truly, to grow used to death, I find there is nothing for it but to draw near to it. Now, as Pliny says, each man is a very good schooling for himself, provided he has the ability to spy on himself from close up. What I give here is not my teaching but my study; it is not a lesson for others, but for me. And yet no one should hold it against me if I share it. What serves me may also by chance serve someone else. Besides, I spoil nothing; I use only what is mine.
Et si ie fay le fol, c’est à mes despends, et sans l’interest de personne: car c’est en follie, qui meurt en moy, qui n’a point de suitte. Nous n’auons nouuelles que de deux ou trois anciens, qui ayent battu ce chemin: et si ne pouuons dire, si c’est du tout en pareille maniere à cette-cy, n’en connoissant que les noms. Nul depuis ne s’est ietté sur leur trace.
And if I play the fool, it is at my own expense and without harm to anyone; for it is a folly that dies with me and has no consequences. We have word of only two or three ancients who have beaten this path; and even so we cannot say whether it was at all in the same way as this, since we know only their names. No one since has followed in their tracks.
C’est vne espineuse entreprinse, et plus qu’il ne semble, de suyure vne alleure si vagabonde, que celle de nostre esprit: de penetrer les profondeurs opaques de ses replis internes: de choisir et arrester tant de menus airs de ses agitations: et est vn amusement nouueau et extraordinaire, qui nous retire des occupations communes du monde: ouy, et des plus recommandées.
It is a thorny undertaking, more so than it seems, to follow a course as wandering as that of our mind; to penetrate the opaque depths of its inner folds; to pick out and pin down so many slight nuances of its stirrings. And it is a new and extraordinary pastime, which draws us away from the common occupations of the world—yes, and from the most highly recommended.
Il y a plusieurs années que ie n’ay que moy pour visée à mes pensées, que ie ne contrerolle et n’estudie que moy. Et si i’estudie autre chose, c’est pour soudain le coucher sur moy, ou en moy, pour mieux dire. Et ne me semble point faillir, si, comme il se faict des autres sciences, sans comparaison moins vtiles, ie fay part de ce que i’ay apprins en cette cy: quoy que ie ne me contente guere du progrez que i’y ay faict. Il n’est description pareille en difficulté, à la description de soy-mesmes, ny certes en vtilité. Encore se faut il testonner, encore se faut il ordonner et renger pour sortir en place.
For many years now I have had nothing but myself as the target of my thoughts; I examine and study nothing but myself. And if I study anything else, it is to apply it at once to myself—or rather, within myself. And I do not think I am at fault if, as is done with the other sciences, which are incomparably less useful, I share what I have learned in this one, though I am hardly satisfied with the progress I have made in it. There is no description equal in difficulty to the description of oneself, nor certainly in usefulness. Even so, one has to do one’s hair, one has to tidy and arrange oneself before going out in public.
Or ie me pare sans cesse: car ie me descris sans cesse.
Now I am constantly dressing myself up, for I am constantly describing myself.
La coustume a faict le parler de soy, vicieux: et le prohibe obstinéement en hayne de la ventance, qui semble tousiours estre attachée aux propres tesmoignages. Au lieu qu’on doit moucher l’enfant, cela s’appelle l’enaser, In vicium ducit culpæ fuga. Ie trouue plus de mal que de bien à ce remede. Mais quand il seroit vray, que ce fust necessairement, presomption, d’entretenir le peuple de soy: ie ne doy pas suyuant mon general dessein, refuser vne action qui publie cette maladiue qualité, puis qu’elle est en moy: et ne doy cacher cette faute, que i’ay non seulement en vsage, mais en profession. Toutesfois à dire ce que i’en croy, cette coustume a tort de condamner le vin, par ce que plusieurs s’y enyurent.
Custom has made speaking of oneself a vice, and stubbornly forbids it out of hatred for the boasting that always seems to be attached to testimony about oneself. Where one ought to wipe the child’s nose, this amounts to cutting it off. Fleeing a fault leads into vice. I find more harm than good in this remedy. But even if it were true that it is necessarily presumptuous to entertain people with talk about oneself, I must not, given my general plan, refuse an action that displays this unhealthy quality, since it is in me; and I must not hide this fault, which I not only practice but profess. Still, to say what I think of it, this custom is wrong to condemn wine because many get drunk on it.
On ne peut abuser que des choses qui sont bonnes. Et croy de cette regle, qu’elle ne regarde que la populaire defaillance. Ce sont brides à veaux, desquelles ny les Saincts, que nous oyons si hautement parler d’eux, ny les Philosophes, ny les Theologiens ne se brident. Ne fay-ie moy, quoy que ie soye aussi peu l’vn que l’autre. S’ils n’en escriuent à point nommé, aumoins, quand l’occasion les y porte, ne feignent ils pas de se ietter bien auant sur le trottoir. Dequoy traitte Socrates plus largement que de soy? A quoy achemine il plus souuent les propos de ses disciples, qu’à parler d’eux, non pas de la leçon de leur liure, mais de l’estre et branle de leur ame?
Only good things can be abused. And I believe this rule concerns only the failings of ordinary people. These are bridles for calves, with which neither the saints, whom we hear speaking of themselves so loftily, nor the philosophers, nor the theologians bridle themselves. Nor do I, though I am as little the one as the other. If they do not write about themselves expressly, at least, when occasion leads them to it, they do not hesitate to step well out onto the public promenade. What does Socrates discuss more fully than himself? To what does he more often lead his disciples’ talk than to speaking of themselves—not of the lesson in their book, but of the being and motion of their soul?
Nous nous disons religieusement à Dieu, et à nostre confesseur, comme noz voisins à tout le peuple. Mais nous n’en disons, me respondra-on, que les accusations. Nous disons donc tout: car nostre vertu mesme est fautiere et repentable. Mon mestier et mon art, c’est viure. Qui me defend d’en parler selon mon sens, experience et vsage: qu’il ordonne à l’architecte de parler des bastiments non selon soy, mais selon son voisin, selon la science d’vn autre, non selon la sienne. Si c’est gloire, de soy-mesme publier ses valeurs, que ne met Cicero en auant l’eloquence de Hortense; Hortense celle de Cicero? A l’aduenture entendent ils que ie tesmoigne de moy par ouurage et effects, non nuement par des paroles.
We speak of ourselves devoutly to God and to our confessor, as our neighbors do to the whole congregation. “But we tell only our accusations,” someone will answer. Then we tell everything; for even our virtue is faulty and calls for repentance. My trade and my art is living. Whoever forbids me to speak of it according to my own sense, experience and practice, let him order the architect to speak of buildings not according to himself but according to his neighbor, according to someone else’s knowledge and not his own. If it is glory-seeking to proclaim one’s own merits oneself, why does Cicero not put forward the eloquence of Hortensius, and Hortensius that of Cicero? Perhaps they mean that I should bear witness to myself by works and deeds, not by bare words.
Ie peins principalement mes cogitations, subiect informe, qui ne peut tomber en production ouuragere. A toute peine le puis ie coucher en ce corps aëré de la voix. Des plus sages hommes, et des plus deuots, ont vescu fuyants tous apparents effects. Les effects diroyent plus de la Fortune, que de moy. Ils tesmoignent leur roolle, non pas le mien, si ce n’est coniecturalement et incertainement. Eschantillons d’vne montre particuliere. Ie m’estalle entier: c’est vn skeletos, où d’vne veuë les veines, les muscles, les tendons paroissent, chasque piece en son siege. L’effect de la toux en produisoit vne partie: l’effect de la palleur ou battement de cœur vn’ autre, et doubteusement. Ce ne sont mes gestes que i’escris; c’est moy, c’est mon essence.
What I portray is chiefly my thoughts, a shapeless subject that cannot be turned into tangible works. Only with great difficulty can I set it down in this airy body of the voice. Some of the wisest and most devout men have lived avoiding all visible deeds. Deeds would say more about Fortune than about me. They bear witness to their own part, not mine, except by conjecture and uncertainly: samples that show only a single detail. I lay myself out whole: it is a skeletos, where at a single glance the veins, the muscles, the tendons appear, each part in its place. The effect of a cough would reveal one part of it; the effect of pallor or a pounding heart another, and doubtfully at that. It is not my deeds that I write; it is myself, it is my essence.
Ie tien qu’il faut estre prudent à estimer de soy, et pareillement conscientieux à en tesmoigner: soit bas, soit haut, indifferemment. Si ie me sembloy bon et sage tout à fait, ie l’entonneroy à pleine teste. De dire moins de soy, qu’il n’y en a, c’est sottise, non modestie: se payer de moins, qu’on ne vaut, c’est lascheté et pusillanimité selon Aristote. Nulle vertu ne s’ayde de la fausseté: et la verité n’est iamais matiere d’erreur. De dire de soy plus qu’il n’en y a, ce n’est pas tousiours presomption, c’est encore souuent sottise. Se complaire outre mesure de ce qu’on est, en tomber en amour de soy indiscrete, est à mon aduis la substance de ce vice.
I hold that one must be careful in assessing oneself, and equally conscientious in bearing witness to it, whether low or high, without distinction. If I seemed to myself good and wise through and through, I would sing it out at the top of my voice. To say less of oneself than is true is stupidity, not modesty; to rate oneself at less than one is worth is cowardice and pusillanimity, according to Aristotle. No virtue helps itself with falsehood, and truth is never matter for error. To say more of oneself than is true is not always presumption; often it is also stupidity. To be pleased beyond measure with what one is, to fall into an indiscreet love of oneself, is in my opinion the substance of this vice.
Le supreme remede à le guarir, c’est faire tout le rebours de ce que ceux icy ordonnent, qui en défendant le parler de soy, defendent par consequent encore plus de penser à soy. L’orgueil gist en la pensée: la langue n’y peut auoir qu’vne bien legere part.
The supreme remedy to cure it is to do the exact opposite of what these people prescribe, who, by forbidding us to speak of ourselves, consequently forbid even more strongly that we think of ourselves. Pride lies in thought; the tongue can have only a very slight share in it.
De s’amuser à soy, il leur semble que c’est se plaire en soy: de se hanter et prattiquer, que c’est se trop cherir. Mais cet excez naist seulement en ceux qui ne se tastent que superficiellement, qui se voyent apres leurs affaires, qui appellent resuerie et oysiueté de s’entretenir de soy, et s’estoffer et bastir, faire des chasteaux en Espaigne: s’estimants chose tierce et estrangere à eux mesmes. Si quelcun s’enyure de sa science, regardant souz soy: qu’il tourne les yeux au dessus vers les siecles passez, il baissera les cornes, y trouuant tant de milliers d’esprits, qui le foulent aux pieds.
To them, occupying oneself with oneself seems to mean being pleased with oneself; frequenting and keeping company with oneself seems to mean being too fond of oneself. But this excess arises only in those who feel themselves out only superficially, who look at themselves only after their business is done, who call it daydreaming and idleness to converse with oneself, to furnish and build oneself up—building castles in Spain—regarding themselves as a third party, a stranger to themselves. If someone is intoxicated with his learning, looking at those beneath him, let him turn his eyes upward toward past ages: he will lower his horns, finding there so many thousands of minds that trample him underfoot.
S’il entre en quelque flateuse presomption de sa vaillance, qu’il se ramentoiue les vies de Scipion, d’Epaminondas, de tant d’armées, de tant de peuples, qui le laissent si loing derriere eux. Nulle particuliere qualité n’enorgueillira celuy, qui mettra quand et quand en compte, tant d’imparfaittes et foibles qualitez autres, qui sont en luy, et au bout, la nihilité de l’humaine condition. Parce que Socrates auoit seul mordu à certes au precepte de son Dieu, de se connoistre, et par cet estude estoit arriué à se mespriser, il fut estimé seul digne du nom de Sage. Qui se connoistra ainsi, qu’il se donne hardiment à connoistre par sa bouche.
If he falls into some flattering presumption about his valor, let him recall the lives of Scipio, of Epaminondas, of so many armies, so many peoples, who leave him so far behind. No particular quality will make a man proud who at the same time takes into account so many other imperfect and weak qualities that are in him, and in the end the nothingness of the human condition. Because Socrates alone had seriously taken to heart the precept of his god, to know himself, and through that study had come to despise himself, he alone was judged worthy of the name of Wise. Whoever knows himself in this way, let him boldly make himself known with his own mouth.